India's Top 10 Assholes

#10

Name: Raghu Ram

Full Name: Raghu Ramalingam

Occupation: Executive Producer, Mtv India

Asshole Since: 1976

A – Score: 6.9/10

Bio : With a surname as intimidating as ‘Ramalingam’ ,Raghu realized pretty early in life that if he wanted to be an asshole he had to shorten it to Ram. Yeah! That’s how tough he is.

Given to constant bouts of hysteria, manic depression and bi-polar syndrome with a severe case of schizophrenia .This mental patient should have been fastened to his bed in a mental asylum since he was diagnosed with a severe ‘penis fixation’ while still a boy.

Instead Mtv decided to do the next best possible thing:

Put Him On TV.

Since then there’s been no looking back for this mentally unstable lunatic with a dick infatuation. Seen regularly on the Mtv showRoadies, he immerses himself completely into being an asshole constantly throwing temper tantrums, hissy fits, blaring his lungs screaming at young, vulnerable and hormonally imbalanced teenagers.

Though he would never actually stand a chance in hell against someone like Rakesh Jhunjhunwala who’d simply chew him up and spit him out, turn him into garbage, shoveling the compost of his dead carcass which would then be used as crop fertilizer as he’d play the Tabla on the big, shiny, round reflective bald head of Raghu Ram.

This young asshole has a long way to go before he becomes a bigger, larger and more widespread asshole but we applaud him for his efforts and entertainment. Well done Raghu and keep going, you’re the 10^th most popular asshole in India!

What an asshole!!

#9

Name: Narayan Dutt Tiwari

Asshole Since: 1925

Occupation: Former Governor of Andhra Pradesh

A-Score: 7.5/10

Bio: This veteran, vintage asshole makes Tiger Woods seem like a Tiger cub. Largely forgotten, Tiwari stormed his way into the headlines when he was shown fornicating with well endowed busty females as he simultaneously balanced state issues with wet tissues!

Telengana on one hand and Aradhana +Sunaina on the other.

Andhra by day and Viagra by night.

Governor in the daytime, Governess(es) by the night time.

Listening to Madamji on this side and hitting a G Spot on that side is all in a day’s work for this flesh and blood symbol of manliness .Soon to endorse Musli Power Extra and Durex Condoms we wish this old timer the best of luck.

What an asshole!!

#8

Name : Madhu Koda

Asshole Since: 1971

Occupation: Politician, Former Chief Minister of Jharkhand

A-Score: 8 /10

Bio: Described already as India’s most energetic, young, vibrant and dynamic money launderer, Madhu Koda is also an expert asshole. Yet to run out of shit, if you’ve got 4000 Crores and don’t know what to do with them, then undoubtedly Madhu Koda is the man to get in touch with.

Never known to be held down by the Enforcement Directorate, The Vigilance Commission, The Income Tax Department , The Police ,The CBI, Interpol or even the Supreme Court; Koda’s Hawala Network is so hard to comprehend that Dan Brown’s next book about Hawala is in honor of Madhu titled The Da-Vinci Koda.

So forget about using money to build roads, hospitals, schools and getting people jobs. Maybe even sponsoring food programs for the poor. Instead why not allow Madhu Koda to launder it for you in a discreet location like a bank in Geneva never to be found again!!

We salute you!! Mr. Koda, What an Asshole!!

#7

Name: Rajat Sharma

Asshole Since: Present Punar Janam

Occupation: News Breaker, Host of Janata Ki Adalat

A-Score: 8.25/10

Bio : The face of credibility and the scion of modern day Indian journalism. Rajat Sharma is a stalwart. Credited with the invention of BREAKING NEWS.Rajat Sharma’s BREAKING NEWS has done to journalism what the USB Drive has done to computers.

The Americans may brag about FOX News, clearly they haven’t seen India TV.

Whether it’s Chudails, Pralays or Kuttas and Billis, Rajat Sharma is undoubtedly the man to break it to you in news form every single day.

Astrological predictions and sex stories aside nobody covers Rapes, Balaatkaars and Khatarnaak murders better than Rajat Sharma and his team of fearless journalists.

The man who has interviewed Rakhi Sawant on Janata Ki Adalat more times than anyone else on the planet was the personal choice of the 26/11 Mumbai terrorists who called up India TV preferring them over CNN IBN , NDTV ,DD News and Times Now speaks volumes for India TV and Rajat Sharma’s incredible power to influence the masses.

So here’s to the man who created a news channel simply out of Punar Janaams and Paapi Log.

All the way from programs about reincarnation to creating a nation of idiots.

What an asshole!!

#6

Name: Professor Arindam Chaudhuri Asshole Since: 1971 Occupation: Teacher, Economist, Film Producer, Man of Many Talents.

A-Score: 8.47/10

Bio: Known fondly to his dear students as ‘Arindam Sir’ this brilliant intellectual can Count Chickens Even Before They Hatch!! Not everyone can count chickens but if you know anyone who can count chickens, chances are they don’t count chickens as well as Professor Arindam Chaudhuri.

Holder of India’s most famous ponytail, this bespectacled gentleman is India’s most well known economic expert on many things including chickens and counting.

Director of the blockbuster film ‘Rok Sako Toh Rok Lo’ , Professor Chaudhuri is known widely as the man who dares young wannabe management graduates to think beyond the IIM’s and even gives them free laptops when they join the IIPM!!

Perhaps India’s greatest exponent of the theory that if you can count chickens, give free laptops and organize quiz contests which have Shah Rukh Khan sing and dance then you can be known worldwide as an expert economist like Dr. Amartya Sen.

Hail To The Power Of The Ponytail And Counting Chickens!

What an Asshole!!

#5

Name: Sherlyn Chopra

Asshole Since: 1984

Occupation : Actress, Singer ,Model ,Aspiring Nudist

A-Score: 8.53 /10

Bio: Sherlyn Chopra is one outrageous gal! The only female asshole to make it to our list, what men can do women can also do, she is Rehman Malik’s evidence that women can be assholes too!!

Sherlyn is the modern day Indian woman, fearless, brash and open. In fact she wears her openness openly by displaying her body openly for men and women to openly look at. Sherlyn has been India’s leading exhibitionist for well over half a decade now.

So open is she,that if it weren’t for stricter laws Sherlyn’s openness would be entirely out in the open!

Aspiring anorexics everywhere consider Sherlyn to be their Goddess. A trendsetter for fellow skanks Mallika Sherawat andKareena Kapoor, Sherlyn is also a walking storehouse of silicon.

Such is her dedication to being an asshole that despite suffering severe back problems due to her silicon implanted breasts heaving constantly; she still adds that little bit of silicon in the plastic surgeon's office every week despite the pain.

She even went a step further to get additional silicon implants in her butt, popularly known as ‘butt implants’ these silicon pads under the ass make Sherlyn’s bum go bump! bump!

Cheers to This Bootylicious Babe, Lusty, Busty and Zesty!

What an asshole!!

#4

Name: Bal, Uddhav and Raj –The Thackerays

Assholes Since: 1926 ,1960 & 1968 respectively.

A-Score: 9/10

Bio: What can we say about the Thackerays that hasn’t already been said? Well, we could say the three of them are expert roller skaters and have each gotten the max score playing Call Of Duty 4 on their Sony Playstations but that would be untrue! The three of them are avid bikers and are members of the country’s most famous bikers club known as the MUM-BIKERS. When it’s not bikes, its cars for these three traversing Mumbai city in their Mumbai-Cars.

But it isn’t about cars and bikes for these three; it’s about buses and trains. Buses are what they like damaging the most. Between themselves the three Thackerays have damaged more buses than Godzilla on a rampage!

Sachin Tendulkar, Shah Rukh Khan, Amitabh Bachchan, Mukesh Ambani, almost everyone who’s anyone has faced the ire of the Thackerays.

For Turning The Cause Of The Marathi Manoos Into Marathi Manure, The Thackerays Are Number 4 On Our List Of Assholes.

What a Bunch Of Assholes!!

#3

Name: Shambhu Pratap Singh Rathore

Asshole Since: 1941

Occupation : Child Molester ,Retired Police Officer

A-Score: 9.25/10

Bio: If he was George Bush then Muntazar Al Zaidi would throw his shoes at him, but he’s not!!

Bigger than George Bush, That’s how big an asshole Rathore is, constantly in the pursuit of Justice, Rathore was recently stabbed in the face with a pen knife, a much bigger salute to his abilities than just having shoes thrown at him.

Known for his exceptional molestation and harassment of Ruchika Girhotra thisnew age poster boy of candlelight marches and signature campaigns was so good at molesting Ruchika that she not only got thrown out of school and saw her family punished but ultimately paid homage to Rathore by committing suicide!!

With the perfect partner in his lawyer wife, Rathore could teach fellow asshole Madhu Koda a thing or two about getting bail and staying out of jail.

Always overcoming adversity with a smile, this media darling has also been approached by Colgate to feature in their toothpaste ads to highlight that fantastic smile born out of the satisfaction of having molested 15 year olds!!

We definitely look forward to seeing more of Rathore and his smiley face in future!

What an asshole!!

#2

Name: Sajjan Kumar and Pravin Togadia

Assholes Since: 1944 & 1957 respectively

Occupation: Politician and Religious Reformist Respectively

A-Score: 9.7 /10

Bio : Two men from different walks of life .Two men belonging to different schools of thought. Two men from different political groups with different views yet bound by a single thread .Two different men but both assholes.

Yet no two assholes are exactly alike, still the similarities are staggering.

Sajjan Kumar is completely CBI Proof even if the CBI has enough proof against him; this iconic asshole has made it his life mission to avoid arrest in the 1984 Sikh Riots Case.

He simply never gets Sikh of killing Sikhs!

If after 26 years there is no proof against this man then how can there be proof of Pakistan’s involvement in 26/11 Mumbai?! No wonder Pakistan keeps asking for more and more proof! Because when it comes to Sajjan Kumar no proof is necessary and no proof is ever enough.

While one is a Sajjan, Togadia is a Cancer Surgeon. A Firebrand, Outspoken and a critically acclaimed asshole. Like Sajjan he too is proof that without enough proof no matter how much proof is actually available, nothing can be proved against you if you’re name is Pravin Togadia.

Babri Masjid, Defending Godhra, Communal Clashes, it’s all in a day’s work for Togadia. Always smart enough to escape the media’s eye which is busy trying to interpret or misinterpret the cattle class interlocutions of Shashi Tharoor. Togadia is the cool dude known to his fellow Mosque Demolishers as the HIN-DUDE!

A Tribute Then To the Sikh Sajjan and the Hin-Dude!

What a Couple of Assholes!!

AND NOW FOR THE WINNER OF THE INDIA TODAY ‘S BEST INDIAN ASSHOLES, HERE HE COMES, THE NUMBER ONE ASSHOLE IN INDIA!!! DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!

Name: Koteshwar Rao aka Kishenji

Asshole Since: 1957

Occupation: Leader of the Naxal Movement

A-Score: 9.9 /10!

Bio: When you score a near perfect 9.9/10 then it’s guaranteed that you are the greatest and the best asshole of the current era! Maybe the greatest asshole of all time!!!

Imagine an asshole so big that its very name unites the country. You don’t have to anymore!! He’s here and his name is Koteshwar Rao respectfully known as Kishenji.

A nomad wandering in the jungles of Jharkhand, West Bengal and Chhattisgarh, Kishenji is an extremely reclusive man by nature.

His colleagues describe him as an enigma and a mystery. Forever media shy, Kishenji never makes a public appearance; even if he does then he makes sure that his face is covered. A clear cut case of an asshole covering his hole!

Kishenji’s actions speak louder than words. In the past 12 months he and his men have beheaded policemen, attacked police camps, set entire villages on fire, pillaged trains and generally killed a number of people.

In fact Kishenji is such a humungous asshole that the very Prime Minister of India complimented him when he said Kishenji and his people were the biggest internal security threat to India!!!!

With a wide network of friends ranging from communists to Mamata Banerjee and her Trinamool Congressman Kishenji is also an avid Social Network Addict.

Often seen tweeting on Twitter under various aliases and poking people on Facebook, He is most often heard talking on his many cell phones endorsing every possible SIM card of every possible Indian telecom company!!

Such Is the Coverage Area of Kishenji, India’s Greatest Asshole!!

What an Asshole!

Tributes to Sachin

"Nothing bad can happen to us if we're on a plane in India with Sachin Tendulkar on it."
- Hashim Amla, the South African batsman, reassures himself as he boards a flight.

"Sometimes you get so engrossed in watching batsmen like Rahul Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar that you lose focus on your job."
- Yaseer Hameed in pakistani newspaper.

"To Sachin, the man we all want to be"
- Andrew Symonds wrote on an aussie t-shirt he autographed specially for Sachin.

“Beneath the helmet, under that unruly curly hair, inside the cranium, there is something we don't know, something beyond scientific measure. Something that allows him to soar, to roam a territory of sport that, forget us, even those who are gifted enough to play alongside him cannot even


"Tuzhe pata hai tune kiska catch chhoda hai?"
- Wasim Akram to Abdul Razzaq when the latter dropped Sachin's catch in 2003 WC.

Sachin is a genius. I'm a mere mortal.
- Brian Charles Lara

"We did not lose to a team called India ...we lost to a man called Sachin."
- Mark Taylor, during the test match in Chennai (1997)

"The more I see of him the more confused I'm getting to which is his best knock."
- M. L. Jaisimha

"The joy he brings to the millions of his countrymen, the grace with which he handles all the adulation and the expectations and his innate humility - all make for a one-in-a-billion individual,"
- Glen McGrath

"I can be hundred per cent sure that Sachin will not play for a minute longer when he is not enjoying himself. He is still so eager to go out there and play. He will play as long as he feels he can play"
- Anjali Tendulkar

"There was a big party where stars from bollywood and cricket were invited. Suddenly, there was a big noise, all wanted to see approaching Amitabh Bachhan. Then Sachin entered the hall and Amitabh was leading the queue to get a grab of the GENIUS!!" - Shah Rukh Khan in an interview.

“ India me aap PrimeMinister ko ek Baar Katghare me khada kar sakte hain..Par Sachin Tendulkar par Ungli nahi utha Sakte.. آ“
- Navjot Singh Sidhu on TV

He can play that leg glance with a walking stick also.
- Waqar Younis

'I Will See God When I Die But Till Then I Will See Sachin'
- A banner in Sharjah

Sachin Tendulkar has often reminded me of a veteran army colonel who has many medals on his chest to show how he has conquered bowlers all over the world. I was bowling to Sachin and he hit me for two fours in a row. One from point and the other in between point and gully. That was the last two balls of the over and the over after that we (SA) took a wicket and during the group meeting i told Jonty (Rhodes) to be alert and i know a way to pin Sachin. And i delivered the first ball of my next over and it was a full length delivery outside the offstump. And I shouted catch. To my astonishment the ball was hit to the cover boundary. Such was the brilliance of Sachin. His reflex time is the best I have ever seen. Its like 1/20th of a sec. To get his wicket better not prepare. Atleast u wont regret if he hits you for boundaries.
- Allan Donald

On a train from Shimla to Delhi , there was a halt in one of the stations. The train stopped by for few minutes as usual. Sachin was nearing century, batting on 98. The passengers, railway officials, everyone on the train waited for Sachin to complete the century. This Genius can stop time in India !!
- Peter Rebouck - Aussie journalist

"Sachin cannot cheat. He is to cricket what Gandhiji was to politics. It's clear discrimination. "
- NKP Salve, former Union Minister when Sachin was accused of ball tempering

There are 2 kind of batsmen in the world. One Sachin Tendulkar. Two all the others.
- Andy Flower

"I have seen God, he bats at no.4 for India "
- Mathew Hayden

"Commit all your sins when Sachin is batting. They will go unnoticed coz even God is watching him."
- A hoarding in England

NOW THIS ONE IS PROBABLY THE BEST AND MOST CUTEST OF THE LOT

"Even my father's name is Sachin Tendulkar."
- Tendulkar's daughter, Sara, tells her class her father's name after the teacher informs them of a restaurant of the same name in Mumbai.

Convention of those wounded in love

General provisions:

A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;

B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;

It is hereby decreed that:

Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.

Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”.

Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party.

Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one’s decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred.

Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.

Final determination:
Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the

ecstasy of their choice.
And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.

promulgated by Paulo Coelho

૨૦૧૩માં ન્યૂઝ ચેનલો શું દેખાડશે?

મૂકો બધી ચિંતા, મોજ કરો, મસ્તીકરો, ચમન કરો, ડુંગળી-બટેટાના ભાવ વધતા હોય તો વધવા દયો. બકાલીને હોય એ ભાવ કરતા પણ રૂપિયો વધારે આપીને વટથી શાકભાજી ખરીદો. ભલે એના છોકરા ચાંદીના ઘૂઘરે રમે. એ’ય દીકરો યાદ કરે કે મળ્યા’તા કો’ક રજવાડા. સેન્સેકસ અને નિફટીને મારવા દયો ઉપર નીચે ગુંલાટો. વર્ષોથી બટકી ગયેલા શેરના જે ઉપજે ઈ પૈસા રોકડા કરીને જલસા કરો. બાપ-દાદા મૂકી ગયા હોય એ બધું ફતંગદીવાળિયાની માફક ઊડાવી દો. દારૂ-બારુનો ટેસડો કરવો હોય તો’ય બે ચાર ઘૂંટડા મારીને ચોક વચ્ચે ગલોઠિયા ખાવાની મોજ કરી લ્યો.

આગલા-પાછલા હિસાબ હોય તો સરભર કરી નાખો. ઓફિસના બોસ સામે ટેબલ ઉપર પગ ચડાવીને સિગારેટું ફૂંકો. વધી વધીને નોકરીમાંથી કાઢી મૂકે, તો અહિંયા કોને પડી છે? ‘આ લાત મારી તારી બે ફદિયાની નોકરીને’ એમ કહીને બારણું પછાડીને નીકળી જાઓ. ભાજપવાળાને કહીએ કે હવે ભલે રાજનાથસિંહ જ રહ્યાં પ્રમુખપદે. થોડું ઘણું બાકી રહ્યું છે એ હવે એમને જ પૂરું કરવા દયો. રાહુલને સલાહ કે ભોગવી લે મારા વીરા ભોગવી લે. ઝૂંપડામાં રાતવાસો કરવાના અભરખા છોડ અને પૈણી જા. નહીંતર તારા લીલ પૈણાવાવાળું ય કોઈ નહીં રહે. મોદી સાહેબને કહીએ કે દિલ્હી જવાનું માંડીવાળો. અડવાણી એમાં જ પતી ગયા.

આપણે ગુજરાતમાં જ હલાવ્યે રાખો. આ ઓબામા હમણા ચીનના ખોળે બેઠા છે. મનમોહનસિંઘ કાલે અમેરિકા જવાના છે ત્યારે સરદારને સલાહ કે જરા’ય નમતું જોખતા નહીં. સલમાનને હમણાં એક કન્યારત્નએ તમાચો મારી દીધો એમ ઓબામું વાયડું થાય તો તાણીને એક લાફો ઝીંકી દેજો. ભાયડા થઈ જાઓ ભાયડા. અમેરિકું આપણું કાંઈ બગાડી નહીં લે. વળતી વખતે પાકિસ્તાનમાં ઊતરીને ત્યાંય બે-ચારને તમાચા મારતા આવો. વધી વધીને યુઘ્ધ થાય. બધું નાશ પામે. પણ એમાં ડરવાની જરૂર નથી. અમસ્તો પણ પૃથ્વીનો નાશ થવાનો છે એ નક્કી થઈ ગયું છે. પ્રલયની પાકી તારીખ આવી ગઈ છે. બે વર્ષ બાકી છે. એમાં થાય એટલું કરી લો...ન્યૂઝ ચેનલોનો માનીએ એટલો આભાર.

પ્રલય અંગે આપણને વહેલાસર જાણ કરી દીધી નહીંતર આપણે તો સાવ અંધારામાં જ રહીએ ને? રાત્રે સૂતા હોય ને અચાનક પૃથ્વી જઈને પડે કયાંક બીજા ગ્રહ ઉપર. આપણે આકાશમાં તરતા હોઈએ. કેટલાયે કામ બાકી રહી ગયા હોય. પૈસાનું તો ઠીક કે મોટેભાગે આપણે જ દેવાના બાકી રહી ગયા હોય. પણ એ સિવાયની કેટલીયે ઉર્મીઓ અને અભરખાઓનું શું? આ ચેનલોએ વાર, ઘડી, તારીખ ને સાલ જાહેર કરી દીધા તે સારું કર્યું. આપણને આપણું પ્લાનિંગ કરવાની ખબર તો પડે.

અદ્ભુત છે આ ચેનલોવાળા. આ આખો ફાલ છેલ્લા બે દસકાનો છે. પહેલાં આ પ્રકારનું પ્રોડકશન ન થતું. પહેલાં પણ પત્રકારો હતા, એ બધા પણ ઈન્વેસ્ટીગેશનો કરતા. પણ આ લેટેસ્ટ પ્રોડકટો તો પૃથ્વીના પાતાળમાંથી ચાંદો ઉપાડી લાવે અવા ધૂરંધર છે. આપણને કલ્પનામાં ન આવે એવું એવું શોધી લાવે. દર્શકોને એવું એવું પીરસે કે જોવાવાળા સુધબુધ ગુમાવી બેસે.

આમ તો એ લોકોએ અત્યાર સુધીમાં અનેક પ્રકારનું અવનવું જ્ઞાન આપ્યું છે. પણ, અમુક કિસ્સા તો ઐતિહાસિક છે. એક વખત આ બધા હનુમાનજીને રોવડાવવાના ધંધે વળગ્યા’તા. ટીવીની સ્વીચ ઓન કરીએ કે તૂર્ત જે બ્રેકિંગ ન્યૂઝ દેખાય. ‘હનુમાનજી કી આંખ મેં આંસું, વંથલી કે હનુમાનજી રો રહે હૈ. સુબહ સે આંસું નીકલ રહે હૈ. થમને કા નામ નહીં લેતે...’’

ત્યાં વળી બીજા બ્રેકિંગ ન્યૂઝ આવે. ‘દિલ્હી કે હનુમાનજી પણ રો રહે હૈ, દેખીયે હનુમાનજી કે આંસું, લાઈવ, સિર્ફ ઈસ ચેનલ પર’. એક ચેનલ હનુમાનજીને રોવડાવે તો બીજી કેમ પાછળ રહે. એ વળી ચંદીગઢના હનુમાનજી ઉપર માંડે કેમેરા, ત્યાંય હનુમાનજીની આંખો રોઈ રોઈને લાલ થઈ ગઈ હોય. ભારતમાં તો અબજો હનુમાનજી છે. આ બધાને જે નજીક પડે એ હનુમાનજી પાસે જઈને કેમેરા ગોઠવી દે. અને મંડે હનુમાનજીને રોવડાવવા. વચ્ચે આ હાલ્યું તું. એક આખી સિઝન આવી જેમાં હનુમાનજી રોયે જ રાખતા હતા. ગામે ગામના હનુમાનોને ચેનલોએ ચોધાર આંસું સાથે રડતા દેખાડયા. પછી હનુમાનજીની દયા આવી હોય કે ગમે તે હોય, એમને પડતા મુકયા.

હનુમાનજીને મુકત કર્યા બાદ આ લોકોએ ભૂત-પ્રેતો ઉપર હાથ અજમાવ્યો. ભારત આખામાં ફરીને ભૂતોનો સર્વે કર્યો. એમના સરનામા મેળવ્યા. આપણે તો ભૂતોય લાખોની સંખ્યામાં. એમાંથી મહત્ત્વના ભૂતોને અલગ તારવ્યા. જાહેરાતો કરી. ‘‘આઓ, લે ચલતે હૈ આપકો ભૂત-પ્રેત કી દુનિયામં...’ જાણે યુરોપની ટુર ઉપર લઈ જતા હોય!, ‘આજ દીખાને જા રહે હૈ વો ભૂત, જો આજ તક પહેલે કીસીને નહીં દેખા’. અરે! તારો ડોહો, તું જો ને અમારે નથી જોવું! પણ, ના, આગ્રહ કરી કરીને દેખાડે. ‘યે હૈ ભૂત કી હવેલી...’. સાથે રૂંવાડા ઊભા કરી દે એવું મ્યૂઝિક મૂકે, બે-ચાર કબૂતર ઊડાડે હવેલીના કાંગરા ઉપર. ‘ચારસો સાલ સે યહાં રહતા હૈ, રાત કો બારહ બજ કર તેરહા મિનિટ પર આતી હૈ ઉસકી સવારી, ઔર જો ભી બીચ મે આતા હૈ. સમજ લો ઉસકી મૃત્યુ નિિશ્ચત હૈ...’. ‘યે હૈ ભૂતિયા હવેલી’. ભૂતની ઝૂંપડીઓ, ભૂતના ઝાડ, અરે... ભૂતના શૌચાલય પણ દેખાડે. ભૂતને ય એવું બધું તો કરવું જ પડતું હશેને! વળી કહે’, ‘ઈસ આત્મા કી મોક્ષ નહીં હુઈ હૈ, વો માગતા હૈ અપને સ્વજનો સે પાની, દેખિયે ઈસ ભૂત કો, ઉસકા ચહેરા કહી આપકે કિસી દિવંગત સ્વજન સે તો નહીં મિલતા હૈ?’ આપણને ઉધે રવાડે ચડાવે. આપણા કોઈ સતરમી પેઢીના બાપા તો ભૂત નથી થયાને? એવી શંકાના જીવડા આપણા મગજમાં ઘાલે.

ચેનલોએ ગામે ગામના ભૂત ભારતવાસીઓને દેખાડી દીધા. છેવટે ભૂત ખૂટી ગયા પછી એ બધાને ધર્મના ઊભરા આવ્યા. ભારતભરના તીર્થધામની યાત્રાઓ કરાવી. એમાં’ય નવું નવું ગોતે. ભીમે ભારતભરમાં ખોદેલા ચારેક હજાર કૂવા દેખાડી દીધા. પાંડવોએ ખજાનો દાટયો’તો એ સરોવર આ બધા ભેગા મળીને શોધી આવ્યા. ફેંકયો પડકાર. ‘શોધી શકો તો શોધી લ્યો અરબો ખરબોનો ખજાનો...’. એલા ભાઈ! આ અમને ભાઠે ભરાવશ એના કરતાં તું જ ડૂબકી મારીને ભરી લેને કોથળા. કેમેરા ખંભે લટકાવી લટકાવીને હૈડ હૈડ થાતો તો બંધ થાઈશ.

મુદે્ બધાં શેરલોક હોમ્સના અવતાર ખરાને! એટલે ગ્રુપ્ત ખજાના, ગુપ્ત રસ્તા બધું શોધી કાઢે. એક ચેનલે જાહેર કર્યું હતું. ‘મીલ ગયા સ્વર્ગ જાને કા રાસ્તા, યે રહી ઉસકી સીડી.’ બોલો લ્યો! સ્વર્ગ સુધીના પગથિયા ગોતી આવ્યા. એક વીરલો તો છેક શ્રીલંકા પહોંરયો હતો. કહે, ‘મીલ ગયા રાવણ કા મમી’. રાવણનું કોફિન કાઢયું જમીનમાંથી બહાર. એક ચેનલે તો ભગવાનને લાઈવ દેખાડયા હતા. બેધડક જાહેરાત કરી હતી.’ ‘ટીવી કે ઈતિહાસમાં પ્રથમવાર, સાક્ષાત ભગવાન, લાઈવ...!’ આખે આખા ભગવાનને કેમેરામાં પકડી લીધા.આવી આ ચેનલોએ હવેનવું આંતરરાષ્ટ્રીય અભિયાન ઉપાડયું છે. પૃથ્વીના પ્રલય કરાવવાનું. એમણે ¼ઢ નિર્ધાર કરી લીધો છે. હવે એમાં કાંઈ બાંધછોડ થઈ શકે તેમ નથી. આ અગાઉ પણ એમણે બે-ત્રણ તારીખો જાહેર કરી હતી. પણ એ વખતે કાર્યક્રમ કેન્સલ રાખ્યો’તો. પણ, આ વખતે બધું પાકે પાયે છે.

ચેનલોવાળા ૨૦૧૨માં પ્રલય કરાવવા થનગની રહ્યાં છે. એમનો ઉત્સાહ બેકાબૂ થયો છે. વચ્ચે વળી અંદરો અંદર ફાટફૂટ પડી હતી તે બે-ત્રણ ચેનલોએ પ્રલય સામે વિરોધ નોંધાવ્યો હતો. એક ચેનલે પ્રલથી બચવાનો ઉપાય દેખાડયો’તો, ‘મીલ ગયા બચને કા ઉપાય, પ્રલય સે આપ ભી બચ શકતે હૈ...’ આપણને આશા જાગી કે, હાશ! મરવાનું મુલતવી રહેશે. પણ ઉપાય એવો દેખાડયો કે મોતિયા મરી જાય. કહે, ‘અંતરિક્ષમેં ચલે જાઓ..’ અરે તારી ભલી થાય! એમ અંતરિક્ષમાં કેમ જવાય? ઊભા ઊભા ઠેકડા માર્યે અંતરિક્ષમાં જવાતા હશે? ટૂંકમાં હવે આ વખતે પ્રલય કરાવીને છૂટકો છે. બે વર્ષ બાકી છે. બે વર્ષ મારી લ્યો ધૂબાકા. પછી અફસોસ ન રહે કે જિંદગીમાં કાંઈ કર્યું નહીં.’

આમ તો, આપણે આ ન્યૂઝ ચેનલોનું બધું સાચું માનીએ છીએ. માણસોને આવું બધું ગમે છે એટલે તો એ લોકો દેખાડે છે. પણ, આમાં એક જ લોચો છે. ચેનલોવાળાનું બે વર્ષ દરમિયાન માથું ફર્યું અને એ વિચાર ફેરવી તોળે કે, નથી કરાવવો પ્રલય. તો શું? એ સંજોગોમાં આ લેખમાં શરૂઆતમાં કરેલા સુચનો પૈકીના એકે’યનો અમલ ન કરવો. થાય એવું કે આપણે પ્રલય થવાની આશામાં ને આશામાં દેવાળું ફૂંકી દીધું હોય, ને પછી પ્રલય ન થાય તો લેણદારો વગર પ્રલયે આપણને અંતરિક્ષમાં મોકલી દે. એના કરતા જેમ ચાલે છે તેમ ચાલવા દેવું. ૨૦૧૩માં ન્યૂઝ ચેનલો નવું શું લાવે છે એની રાહ જોવી.

When I ask ‘what are you gaining by believing God?’ they answer with ‘what are you loosing by believing?’

Ans: Yes if it is just believing in God you are not loosing anything. But if you practice what come along with it and get affected physically, emotionally or intellectually then there is plenty to lose.

When I was shooting near Tirupati a few of my assistants asked me that they want to go to the temple. I asked them why they think God has given more to an atheist like me than to devotees like them. There was no answer. I am sure that there will be answers to this from a variety of believers but the point here is my assistants don’t know and yet they wanted to give attendance in the temple. I think that’s because deep inside they were scared God will make a note that they didn’t come.

Whenever people feel a seeming injustice has been done like somebody unscrupulous becoming more successful than a God-fearing devotee the believers jump up and for lack of an explanation and throw in the Karma theory at them.

The Karma theory says that based on what you have done in your past birth you will enjoy or suffer in this birth.

Let me put this more simply. Let’s say you as a kid have done something wrong and your father waits for 20 years and then slaps you. That would be stupid because you would have forgotten what you have done by that time.

In the Karma theory it’s not even 20 years but it’s your next birth where you can’t even know who you were and what you did in the last birth. (Talk about delayed justice and then we have the nerve to complain about the delay in our criminal courts).

Belief in God comes from a desperate hope that something or someone out there will protect you in every which way and also can give you whatever you desire.

You can be distrustful and suspicious of your own Government, the people you work for and your own friends and family but you cannot afford to be that with God, as then there can be no more hope left. So we pardon, overlook and ignore God’s injustices as we can’t afford not to do that. Only people with a tremendous courage, madness, determination, over-confidence, objective understanding and arrogance like me can afford not to believe in God.

-By Ram Gopal Varma

Abortion in the ears.....

This is a short story written by a doctor ....he is a gynecologist in
Pune and a very gifted writer....enjoy this extremely funny story.

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead to
some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish. A General
Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a patient of
hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female
with earwax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she
was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our
hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax
removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that
I had with the patient.

"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a
big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a
feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."

"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"

"Not at all."

The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried
removing it at home, but failed."

I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications.

"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."

I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"

She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it
with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."

"Oh my God!"

"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without
uttering a word.

"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too
much. I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent
this happening. Or you could use protection at night."

Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it
happens only at night?"

I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are
in the mood, you should use protection."

She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"

Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of
mood. It just happens."

"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."

"You mean that pin man?"

"Yeah!"

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides
using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew
was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."

"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and
wait. However, that also did not work."

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbor deserved to be
locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

"But have you taken your husband's permission?"

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's
permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai. We
were not able to meet for the last one year."

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of
'those' cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual
suspect. I reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all
needed."

"However, I did inform him on phone."

Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know
whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily
turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."

"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."

"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a
heartbeat."

The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the
grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will
bleed a bit, but only for a few days."

By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"
"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will
continue only for a week or so."

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring
at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on
the examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."

This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just
a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

Keep It Simple And You’ll Be Happy

How many gadgets modern technology has blessed us with! Yet, they only seem to add to the stress and tension of our lives. I have seen young men and women walk down parks and green lanes with earphones completely shutting out the world of beauty around them.

Keep it simple! That is the mantra which can help you reduce stress and tension. Possessions and acquisitions may seem marvellous. But after a while, you do not own them, they own you.

A Tao story tells us of an artist who was so gifted that his fame spread all over. One day, he painted the picture of a snake. It was so lifelike that viewers seemed to hear it hiss!

The artist was so carried away by his own success and the adulation of his fans that he touched up the snake. He made its eyes glow; he outlined the fangs so that they seemed to dart at you! He could not stop; he went on and painted feet on the snake!

The expression, “Painting feet on a snake”, a Chinese saying, refers to situations that are needlessly made more complicated by people who do not know when and where to stop.

When our life becomes complicated with power and possessions, we move farther and farther away from the simple joys and pleasures of life. We fail to notice the green grass and the fresh morning flowers.

We don’t have time to hear birds singing or watch our little ones smiling. We drift away from the state of childlike innocence and simple joy, which is our basic nature.

Simplicity is not self-denial. It is a return to those values that matter most in life. It emphasises spontaneity and intuition. It helps us to rediscover the feeling of wonder and joy that we have lost as adults.

There was a wealthy businessman, who was also a sincere, simple soul. He owned an expensive jet in which he flew about from place to place. They asked him if he enjoyed his private plane. His reply was significant. He said it was certainly very convenient; but he had managed to travel without his own plane earlier; in fact, when he was young and poor, the fact that he couldn’t fly did not stop him from being happy.

A famous actress was being interviewed on television. She had made a fortune that year, over a billion dollars. “Does it make you feel good?” she was asked. “Yes and no,” she replied thoughtfully. “Everyone thinks it’s marvellous. So many people flock around me. But i really do not know who my true friends are and who are with me only for the money and the glamour. As for my daily life, it has not changed much, except that i work harder now.”

A group of young men and women were walking across a shopping mall. They were happy and relaxed; they were talking and laughing merrily. Not a care in the world did they seem to have.

There was a young girl among them, who happened to glance at the window of a jewellery store which they passed. On display was a beautiful, brilliant diamond bracelet. How it sparkled and shone! The girl’s eyes opened wide. She went close to the window to inspect the price. She could not afford it.

She caught up with her friends but she was not the happy, laughing, bubbly girl that she had been five minutes earlier. Her cheerful, buoyant attitude had been replaced by a mood of glum disappointment.

This is the worst part about wanting things. Getting them may give you momentary happiness. But not being able to get them often makes you miserable!!!