Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Six Classic Affairs!!

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved
for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked
it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and
a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Facebook : This day awaits us all...

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the ‘Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)’, the ‘Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)’ and the ‘Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)’. Then she spotted the department she was looking for: ‘Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)’.

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and i-Phones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, "I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him, "Don't worry. It'll be all right."

"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."

"How long has it been?"

"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."

"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."

"How soon were you hooked?"

"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."

"What do you like most about Facebook?"

"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."

"Who's he?"

"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."

"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."

"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."

"Let me guess. Farmville?"

"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."

"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"

"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "

"What pic are you using?"

"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."

"To make yourself look prettier?"

"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."

"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"

"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."

"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"

"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"

"What did you do?"

"What else? I unfriended him of course!"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

How To Stop Being Horny

You are a man and with that distinction comes the eventual truth that you will be horny. This is a cruel trick nature has played on you. You will forever be a slave to your thoughts and with it will come some disadvantages. There is the usual profuse sweating. The sweating is due to all the racing your mind will go through. The time will come that you will see every woman around you as a sexual object. Many feminists will persecute you for this but what they fail to understand is that we are as much victims of this as they are.

Is it possible to free yourself from this condition? The answer is yes. You can stop being horny, but it is not easy. It takes a lot of hard work and, more importantly, self control. After all, you are going against your natural instincts when you are trying to stop being horny.

This guide will show you a few simple steps to deal with your little problem. It could prove to be an embarrassing situation if you are horny in moments when you are not supposed to be. This is especially true if you get a boner in the middle of a presentation or in the middle of a street.

Look for unsexy people : Take a look around in the room. If there are girls in the room, stay away from them. Don't even glance at them. It doesn't matter what they look like; you will find them hot when you are horny. Find the ugliest man in the room. Look for a man that is so sexually repulsive--who knows, it could actually be you. Imagine this person naked and hopefully it works but if this still brings you to arousal, you might be in big trouble.

Use inanimate objects to get out of horniness : Inanimate objects do not really exude sexiness, so this is a way you can get out of this condition. Think of your trusty stapler. You can also look at pieces of furniture as your diversion from the sexiness of the people around you. Beware, though. In some instances, this method might not be enough to curb your horniness. If this is the case, you might need to resort to something more drastic.

Think about painful thoughts : Your mind is a powerful thing. It has the ability to imagine pain that is not really there. Think bad thoughts with a meat cleaver and cutting certain appendages that are not your arms or legs. You can also think about other pain-inducing practices to specific parts of your anatomy. It is hard to think and focus when your mind is in this state, so you might need to go physical on your problem.

Apply pain : Pain and arousal are on the opposite ends of the emotional wheel but they often tend to complement each other. Applying pain can dull the feeling of horniness. Pinch your arm or leg discretely to induce pain and break off of the spell brought about by arousal. If you are sitting down, try stomping on your toes with your opposite heel. Avoid making ugly faces when you are applying pain to your body because that would just look weird.

Relax and release : When all else fails, you might be at the point of no return. If that is the case, leave the room as inconspicuously as possible. Don't ask to be excused because it will only draw more attention to you than necessary, after all, you are no longer in kindergarten. Once you are out, proceed to the bathroom for some personal time with yourself. This relieves the pressure and you should no longer be horny for about an hour or two.

Once you have completed these steps, you should eliminate your horniness. You are now free to move around without the threat of smut creeping into your mind. Any ill effects of horniness should also disappear as long as you don't take in any Viagra and you wash your hands.