Friday, January 28, 2011

Making a Baby..!!

There is not a single dirty word in it, and yet it is hilarious!!

The Patels in the US, Hari and Sarla, aka Harry and Sally, were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Harrybhai kissed Sallyben goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Sally cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what Harry and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around to get a good look'.

'A good look?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the pho tographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Patel fainted!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Why USA is in Trouble..??

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why America is in trouble! The scary part is that these conversations are all true !!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer , who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is FAT and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".

Now you know why America is in the shape that it's in !!

Is Dr. Singh guilty? You decide!!

For the last few days, we have been deluged with details of the 2G spectrum scam. Every channel worth its salt has aired innumerable talk shows and discussions on this mother of all scams. On the one hand Subramanyam Swamy is accusing Dr. Manmohan Singh of refusing to act on his petition to prosecute Andimuthu Raja, and on the other we have the congress spokespersons eulogizing the Government’s morality sacking in Raja. All this reminds of a Vikramaditya and the vetal story I read years ago.

Once there lived an old and pious man, renowned for his honesty. One day his neighbor, a rich merchant comes to him with a request. The merchant was leaving on a voyage and wants the old man to safeguard his wealth, until his return. The old man agrees and with God as witness promises to protect and safeguard the merchant’s wealth.

The old man then entrusts the safe keep of the merchant’s wealth to his son, from whom he takes an oath of propriety and honesty. Slowly the son starts dipping into the merchants wealth, people notice this and warn the old man of the son’s misdeeds. The old man calls his son asks him to explain, he also reminds him of his oath on following the right path. The son rubbishes the accusations as rumors and the idle gossip of jealous people, who could bear to see his prosperity. The old man accepts the son’s explanation and things go on as before.

The merchant returns and demands his wealth. The old man calls his son, who hands over a quarter of the merchant’s wealth saying that is all there was. The merchant realizing that he has been cheated approaches the King. The King listens to the merchant’s complaint and summons the old man. The old man comes to the court with his son and handing him over to the King says “your majesty, the merchant is right. My son has confessed to the crime. Please punish him.”

The king has the son flogged and imprisoned. He then praises the old mans honesty and dismisses the case. But the merchant demands punishment for the old man saying, “I have still not received justice. I had entrusted my wealth to the old man which he swore by God to safeguard. The old man’s integrity is intact, but what of me, I have been robbed of my life’s savings, and made a pauper. It was the old man’s decision to entrust my wealth the son for safe keeping. As far as I am concerned the old man is the culprit, and should be punished.

The king is astounded by this demand. The old man, was neither a party to the theft nor did he benefit from it. In fact, he had sent his son to jail. Yet, the merchant was asking for the old man’s punishment.

The vetal asks Vikramaditya, “What should be the Kings decision.”

Vikramaditya’s replies, “Though the old man is innocent of the actual theft, he is guilty of dereliction of duty. The son’s crime was a straight forward one, the old man’s was a graver crime. He did nothing to protect the merchant’s wealth. Far from being vigilant he failed to take action even when he was warned of his son’s misdeeds. Because of his laxity the merchant is condemned to a life of penury. He should be punished.”

India 2010, Dr. Manmohan Singh, esteemed economist, former Governor of RBI, Deputy Chairman of Planning Commission, former Finance Minister, a man whose personal ethics and integrity are unblemished, takes oath to protect and safeguard the Nation and its assets. He appoints Raja, as his Cabinet Minister for IT & Telecom.

Raja the Telecom Minister has with him keys to the 2G spectrum a finite and precious National asset. Raja flouts all rules of propriety and transparency in Government, and in violation of his oath of office, sells the spectrum at a throw away price of Rs.1651 crore.

1. DoT with Raja at its helm issues an astounding 120 UAS licenses in a single day, January 10, 2008. A feat unsurpassed in the history of Government anywhere in the world. Suspiciously 85 of these licenses are issued to companies which suppressed facts, disclosed incomplete information and submitted fictitious documents.

2. In issuing these licenses neither the High Powered Telecom Commission, which was expressly set up for this nor the Finance Ministry or the Ministry of Law and Justice are consulted. Vital decisions are taken without being deliberated and discussed at inter ministerial forums.

3. In sharp deviation of business practice, the cut off date for receiving applications gets advanced from Oct 1, 2007 to Sept 25, 2007, violating all canons of fair play and ethics.

4. Real estate companies which till date of application had no interest in Telecom are allotted Licenses and spectrum ahead of genuine applicants. These then go on to reap windfalls from foreign players by selling equity.

Unlike the story, this heist of a precious national asset is carried out in full view of Dr. Manmohan Singh and his cabinet colleagues. Newspapers across the country cry out at this outrage in front page headlines.

The Indian Constitution grants the Prime Minister absolute power in running the country. He is the head of the Government and the Union Cabinet functions at his pleasure. As per the Transaction of Business Rules the Prime Minister has the unrestricted right to demand and get any file, any record from any Ministry. Dr. Man Mohan Singh could have at any time stopped this heist of a National asset, yet he chose to remain silent. The Minister’s failure to exercise his constitutional rights has caused irreparable loss to the Nation.

Dr. Singh did not profit personally from Raja’s shenigans, but his failure to act, to honor the oath of office, to protect and safeguard the nation and its wealth is unforgivable. Like the old man, he has sacked Raja from his ministerial berth, but does his culpability end there.

The people of India had entrusted their faith and the future of the Nation in Dr. Manmohan Singh, believing him to be a man of integrity and honesty, and not to Raja. Does dismissing Raja absolve Dr. Singh or like the old man is he guilty of dereliction of duty and failure to safeguard the Nation and its citizens. Does he deserve punishment?

It is for the Indian citizen to decide, whether or not Dr. Singh is guilty.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Epic Fails on Facebook..!!

Don’t you just hate those people who put all their dirty laundry out on facebook? On the basis of a person’s profile you can draw a conclusion what kind of a person he/she is. There are those who use facebook as a means of communication, others use it to get noticed and read about every day, giving other people some highly unnecessary info about their personal/professional lives. I had a “friend”on facebook who wrote everything, I bet you all have one too. That “friend” wrote status updates such as “I cried just a minute ago” or “I feel so sad and lonely”. Come on, nobody likes people who complain about, publically. Maybe thesefacebook fails will help you separate interesting and acceptable ideas/thoughts from those that you really shouldn’t put down on your facebook profile. O, and yes they will amuse you to tears!

Before posting, make sure you have your stories straight.

Make sure you have checked your spelling before thrashing your sister’s boyfriend.

Never add your parents to your facebook account or something like this may happen.

Everybody uses facebook. How lond did it take you to figure that out?

Before posting any photos make sure your crack is not open, I mean showing.

Girls don’t thing that guys who live with their mother after their 30th birthday and seek her approval are hot but weird and creepy. If you needed facebook to tell you that you’re in a big trouble.

It’s almost impossible to tell a lie on fb and get away with it.

Relationship updates are the best!

Too much information, nobody cares!!

If your girl looks like a dude be prepared to be ridiculed if you post her pictures.

Sometimes what you see is what you get.

Don’t judge a book by its covers or you might get in trouble.
Be thankful it’s not Holocaust.