Friday, April 23, 2010

Al Qaeda bombers go on strike over the issue of virgins!!

Al Qaeda suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Another reason for the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle; now that the Al Qaeda members know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Phewww.. BOOM :P

Thursday, April 22, 2010

You think you understand woman?

Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside. :P

Okey... Now you understand a woman little better :)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Are you having telemarketers problems?

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.
Vodafone: Hello, this is Vodafone, sir.

ME: Is this Vodafone?
Vodafone: Yes, this is VODAFONE …


ME: Is this VODAFONE.?
VODAFONE: Yes! This is VODAFONE, may I speak to Mr. Bhatt, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?
VODAFONE: Is this Mr. Bhatt?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?


ME: The phone company?
VODAFONE: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was VODAFONE.
VODAFONE: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.
VODAFONE: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Bhatt. We would like to offer you 10 paise a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that’s 10 paise a minute, 24 hours a day?
VODAFONE: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week.?
VODAFONE: That’s right.
ME: 365 days a year.?
VODAFONE: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
VODAFONE: We think so!

ME: That’s quite a sum of money!
VODAFONE: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full Rs. 52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

VODAFONE: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 paise a minute.

VODAFONE: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to Rs. 144 per day, Rs. 1008 per week and Rs. 52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

VODAFONE: Oh, no, sir. I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 paise a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 paise a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 paise a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

VODAFONE: No, sir, we are offering 10 paise a minute for…………..
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
VODAFONE: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
VODAFONE: Yes, Mr. Bhatt. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 paise a minute scheme.
ME: Is This Vodafone?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to
get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

VODAFONE: Hello, Mr. Bhatt, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
ME: No, but I was wondering – do you have that “Friends and Family” thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

VODAFONE: click…….. :P

What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me "Capitalism." Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the "Government." We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the "People." The nanny, we’ll consider her the "Working Class." And your baby brother, we’ll call him the "Future." Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.” =))

Friday, April 16, 2010

Hilarious Facebook Comic Strips

Here I am posting some hilarious comic strips about Facebook... Funny to see how it has become an integral part of our lives.

Facebook Addiction...

And... There is also a cure for it...

Angry young man...

This is how they spread the infection among those who are blessed with ignorance... (if u can't read it, pls. download the image)

Making friends in social media...

Facebook in real life...

Its Complicated..

Best place to turn people's insanity into sanity...

Facebook Valentine's Day...

One more reason for breaking up...

No matter what happens...

This one is too good...

Facebook Stalking...

Facebook impact on International Relationship...

Follow folly..

FANatic error...

Supposed Social Networking...

Facebook Friendships...

Quizzed on Facebook...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Feminine or Masculine : You Decide

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lapiz".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because :

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because :

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

A TV Interview Which Was Never Aired In Ireland....

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter : "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said : "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired….. =)) =))

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Butterfly Effect

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story......

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist

From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish jumps for that fly..

And that bear grabs for that fish..

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of

this particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear..

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .

Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

You didn't see that one coming, did you?