Thursday, December 30, 2010

Funny.. Short.. and as always Different.!!

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."

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Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house.. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

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As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labor.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Tips for Husband

1. તમે તમારી પત્ની સાથે વાતચીત કરતા હોવ ત્યારે વચ્ચે ના બોલો.

2. સવારે ઓફિસ જતા મોજા જાતે શોધી લો.

3. ઓફિસથી ઘેર આવીને મોજા બાથરુમમાં જાતે ધોવા નાખો.

4. સાસુ સસરા કે કોઇ પણ પિયરીઆ ઘેર આવે તો એક નકલી પૂછડી ચોટાડી જોર જોરથી હલાવો. (પણ એમને ચાટવાની કોશિશ ન કરશો!)

5. એ બીજા શહેરની હોય તો એના શહેરની કોઇ પણ ખુબી શોધીએના વખાણ કરો. (અરે,આ તો શાયરોનુ શહેર નહી? પેલા કવિ “બેવકુફ” અહીનાં જ નહીં?)

6. એની કોઇ પણ સહેલીના રુપના વખાણ ક્યારેય ન કરો.

7. એની સહેલી ઘેર આવી હોય તો ડ્રોઇંગ રૂમમાં વારેઘડીયેઆંટા ન મારો.

8. એની મમ્મીની રસોઇના વખાણ કરો.

9. “હું કેવી લાગુ છુ” નો પ્રમાણિકપણે જવાબ આપવો શકયના હોય તો એમ કહો કે “આજે તો તું સાવ જૂદી જ લાગે છે.”

10. એના મામાની સરકારમાં બહુ પહોંચ છે એવુ કહો, સાસુ પણ ખુશ રહેશે.

11. "તારા પપ્પા બહુ સોશિયલ છે” એવુ મહિને ઓછામા ઓછુ એક વાર કહો.

12. ટીવી જોતી વખતે : “અરે, જોતો, આ કેટરિનાએ તારા જેવી જ હેરસ્ટાઇલ કરી છે” એવુ કહો.

13. તમારી વાત ટુંકમાં કરો.

14. એના પિયરિયાનો ફોન હોય અને “આજે શાક કેવી રીતે દાઝી ગયુ?” એ વિષય પર લાંબી વાતચીત ચાલતી હોય તો તમે તમારા અગત્યના કામ પડતા મુકી ધીરજપુર્વક એ ફોન પુરો થાય ત્યાં સુધી રાહ જુઓ.

15. જમવા બેસતી વખતે પાણી જાતે ભરી લો.

16. એની વાત ધ્યાન પુર્વક સાંભળો છો એવુ એટલીસ્ટ બતાવો તો ખરા જ.

17.. એ કશુ કહેવા આવે તો છાપુ બાજુ પર મુકી વાત સાંભળો.

18. એ વાત કહેતી હોય ત્યારે ટી.વી. મ્યુટ કરી દો!

19. ઉતરન અને ક્રિકેટ મેચ સાથે ચાલતા હોય તો ઉતરન ચાલતી હોય તે ચેનલ મુકો. એ જો ભુલે ચુકે સામો વિવેક કરે તો એમ કહો કે “મેચ તો રોજ આવે છે.”

20. એ એમ કહે કે “આજે બહુ ગરમી છે” તો પંખો ફાસ્ટ કરો યાર!

21. એ એમ કહે કે “આજે બહુ થાકી ગઇ છુ ” તો તરત કહો કે “ચાલ, આજે બહાર જમવા જઇએ”

22. એ એમ કહે કે “આજે રસોઇ કરવાનો મુડ નથી” તો તરત કહો કે “સાચુ કહુ, હું તો પીઝા મંગાવવાનુ જ વિચારતો હતો.”

23. વાત વાતમાં એના સોગંદ ખાવ. (તારા સમ, તુ સાચે આજેજુદી લાગે છે!)

24. બેડરુમમાં બામની વાસ સહન ના થાય તો ફરિયાદ કર્યા વગર કોક દિવસ ડ્રોઇંગરુમમા સુઇ જાવ.

25. કોઇ પણ ફરિયાદ કરવી હોય તો સીધી નહી પણ આડકતરી રીતે કરો જેમ કે: દાળ પાણી જેવી હોય તો “ આજે દાળ કંઇક જુદી જ હતી!” અને રોટલી કાચી બને તો “આ વખતે ઘંઉ સારા નથી આવ્યા” એમ કહો.

26. અઠવાડિયે એક વાર તો સમય અને સંજોગો જોઇ ને પૂછી લોકે "કેમ આજે ઢીલી લાગે છે?"

27. શાક સારુ ના બન્યુ હોય તો અંદર ટોમેટો સોસ નાખો, ફરિયાદ ન કરો.

28. એક હાથથી ભાખરી ન તૂટતી હોય તો બીજો હાથ વાપરો ! ભગવાને બે હાથ શેના માટે આપ્યા છે?

30. સફેદ કપડા ક્યારેય ન ખરીદો. અથવા તો પાન-મસાલા છોડી દો.

31. બેલ વાગે તો દરવાજો ખોલવા તમે જાવ, એમાં કાંઇ વારા થોડા પડાય બોસ!

32. ઓફિસનુ કામ ઘરે ન લાવો., શકય હોય તો ઘરનુ કામ ઓફિસ લઇ જાવ.

33. તહેવારો પર નવા કપડા ખરીદવા રૂપિયા ઢીલા કરો.

34. એના ડ્રેસ ખરીદવા સાથે જવાનુ એ પોતે કહે તો પણ ટાળજો, છેવટે બન્ને ખુશ રહેશો!

35. નવા ડ્રેસમાં એ જાડી લાગે તો એમ કહેજો કે " આ ડ્રેસ એક સાઇઝ નાનો આવી ગયો લાગે છે"

36. એનો ભાઇ બહુ ઇન્ટેલીજન્ટછે તેવુ જાહેર કરો

37. લાલ કપડામાં પોસ્ટ ઓફિસના ડબલા જેવી લાગે છે તેવી લોથલ જોક ન મારવી. લાલ કપડામાં સાગરમાં ડિમ્પલ કાપડિયા આવી જ લાગતી હતી એમ કહો.

38. તમે ખરીદેલી વસ્તુની સાચી કિંમત એના મોંઢે બોલવાદો, અને પછી એની બોલેલી કિંમતની આજુબાજુનો કોઇ પણ આંકડો પાડી દો.તમે જો ડાહ્યા થઇ ને પહેલાજ સાચી કિંમત જાહેર કરશો તો "તમે છેતરાયા" એવુ પ્રમાણપત્ર આપશે
અથવા એના માટે તમે"કાયમ હલકી વસ્તુ લાવો છો" એ વાત પર મામલો બીચકશે

39. ઓફિસેથી ઘેર પાછા આવતા પહેલા મોબાઇલના ઇનબોક્સમાંથી SMS ડીલીટ કરીને આવો, શક્ય હોય તો મોબાઇલનુ રીસન્ટ કોલ લીસ્ટ પણ ડીલીટ કરીને ઘેર આવો.

40. એની મોટી બહેનના ગંદા-ગોબરા તોફાની છોકરાને જોતા જ તેડી લો, અને કહો "કેટલો ક્યુટ અને નૉટી છે!"

42. એ રડે તો રૂમાલ નહીં, એને જે જોઇતુ હોય તેલાવી આપો.

43. રક્ષાબંધને સાસરે જ જમવાનુ ભાઇ ! બેસતું વર્ષ અનેભાઈબીજ પણ સાસરે જ ઉજવવા. અને રવિવારે સાસરે ના જવું હોય તો ખર્ચો કરીને બીજે ગમે ત્યાં ફરવા જવાનું.

44. દાળમાં થી કોથમીર અને બીજો કચરો કાઢતા કાઢતા કોઇના બાવડા સુજી ગયા હોય તેવા વૈજ્ઞાનિક પુરાવા નથી, માટે ખોટી ફરિયાદ કરવાનું બંધ કરો.

45. "સાસરૂ સોનાની ખાણ" ની ડીવીડી વસાવી લો.

46. ફોનનું બિલ એના લીધે વધારે આવે છે એવુ કદી ન કહો.

47. મુસાફરીમાં બધો સામાન તમેજ ઉપાડો! પોત-પોતાનોસામાન પોતે ઉપાડે એટલી બધી સ્ત્રી સમાનતા હજુ આપણા દેશમાં આવી નથી!

48. ચાલવાથી કોઇ પણ અને લગભગ બધી ભારતીય સ્ત્રીઓ થાકીશકે છે. એનો કકળાટ હીલ-સ્ટેશન પર ના કરાય !

49. ઘરનાં ખાવામાં બદલાવ જોવા ઇચ્છતા હોવ તો અઠવાડિયે એક દિવસ ગોગલ્સ પહેરીને જમવા બેસો બોસ !

50. દાળ અને શાકનો કલર જોઇ એના ટેસ્ટ વિષે ચુકાદો ન આપી દો, આજે જે બન્યુ છે તે ન બન્યુ નથી થવાનું!

51. તૈયાર થવામાં વાર લાગે તો કકળાટ ન કરવો. તમે મોડા પહોચશો તો લગ્ન અટકી પડવાના નથી. અરે, આજકાલ તો રીસેપ્શનમાં વર-કન્યાજ મોડા પહોંચે છે.

52. છાપું વાંચતા વાંચતા કૂકરની સીટી ગણવાનું શીખી જાવ.

53. ગેસ બંધ કરતા પણ શીખી જાવ. રસોડા સુધી ચાલવાથી તમારી ફાંદ ઉતરે તેવુ તે માનતી હોય તો માનવા દો.

54. ડસ્ટબીન નજીક જઇ કચરો નાખવા માટે છે, દુરથી નિશાનબાજીની પ્રેક્ટીસ કરવા માટે નથી. સમજ્યા ? તમારા ખોટા નિશાનના લીધે કચરાપેટીની અંદર કરતા બહાર વધારે કચરો દેખાય તો ગમે તેને ગુસ્સો આવે.

55. "ટીવીનું રિમોટ ક્યાં પડ્યું છે ?" આવા વાહિયાત સવાલો ન કરો.

56. ઉનાળામાં બે જ શાકભાજી મળે છે. બટાકા અને રીંગણ. અને આ બંને તમને નથી ભાવતા તે તમારી સમસ્યા છે.

57. ઘરની પાણીપુરી એ બજારની પાણીપુરી જેવી ના પણ બને, એ માટે ભૈયાના પરસેવા વાળા હાથ ઘરે લાવવા પડે !

58. એ હસી હસીને ફોન પર વાત કરે છે ? તો ફોન પીયરિયાનો હશે, બીજી કોઈ શંકા અસ્થાને છે.

59. સ્ત્રીઓને ઇલેકટ્રોનિક ગેજેટસ વાપરતા નથી આવડતું, એ વાત અમેરિકન રીસર્ચથી સાબિત થયેલ છે, માટે એ વિષે તમારે અલગ વ્યાખ્યાન આપવાની જરૂર નથી.

60. એને કાર ચલાવતા શીખવવાની કોશિશ ન કરશો. ડ્રાઇવિંગ સ્કુલવાળાઓને પૈસા આપો અને એ વસુલ થતા જુઓ.

61. એને કાર ચલાવતા નથી આવડતુ તો શું થયુ? રસ્તામાં તમે કોઇની સાથે ભટકાઇના પડો તે માટે તમને સુચના આપે તો એમાં એણે શું ખોટું છે ?

62. એના પર્સમાંથી તમારે જે જોઇએ છે તે માંગો, એમ ખાંખાંખોળા કરી કામ ના વધારો.

63. માંગ્યા વિના તો મા પણ ના પીરસે.આ તો પત્ની છે.

64. ઓફિસેથી ઘેર પાછા આવતા અવશ્ય ફોન કરો, ડાર્લિંગ કાઈ લાવવાનું છે?

65. ઘરમાં વોશિંગ મશીન તમારા સ્ટેટસ માટે લીધું છે, કપડા તો રામો જ સારા ધુવે. માટે 'વોશિંગ મશીનનો ખર્ચો કેમ કરાવ્યો ?' એવો બેવકૂફ જેવો સવાલ કરવો નહિ.

Friday, December 10, 2010

For those volunteering to organise a course or class get-together!

Likely Company Memo
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 12, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at Noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
============ ========= ========= =========

Company Memo:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 13, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling this our " Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Company Memo:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14, 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but ---forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
Company Memo:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 15, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross-dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?! ?

Patty
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========
Company Memo:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: December 16, 2009
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fucking wierdos can kiss my Ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Company Memo:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 17, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off ---with full pay!

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Differences between North Indian & South Indian Wives

Wives from North:

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde.
Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching “Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi” that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very “ESpecial” person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south India until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to “work out” she means she is going to “Walk out”
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are “Thank you” and “How are you”
13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.


Wives from South:
1. Her mother looks down at you because you didn’t study in IIT or Madras or Anna University .
2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with ” … I say…”
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word ‘Super’ as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk – curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.
9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.
11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for ‘conversation’)
13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.
14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it.
16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
17. She is more educated than you.
18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Open letter BY Suresh Kalmadi

My fellow citizens,
Over the last few weeks, I have read and watched a series of reports about corruption in the organizing of Commonwealth Games.

It has pained me no end. Some of those things I have tried to explain but what has shocked me is the demand for my exit.

Each day there is a new disclosure and the chorus begins again.
Therefore, I decided to confront the question head on.

Yes, corruption has taken place in holding of the games.
Trails of quite a few scandals lead right up to my door.
So I will not deny it.
But what is so surprising about it?
What did I do that had not been done before?
To see the outpourings of outrage everywhere, it would appear Indians are seeing corruption happen for the first time.
Come on, let us shed that garb of innocence.Please come with me to the collectorate of any of our nearly 450 districts.

Each one presided over by an IAS officer, the best and the brightest among us.
Here you find people in their thousands waiting for such commonplace things as domicile and caste certificates. There are contractors waiting for permits to mine materials such as boulders and gravel.

My contractor friend tells me it takes 18 approvals to get one permit.
Please try to get just one of them without giving a bribe or using a big name.
The same goes for each certificate.I could take you to the secretariat of each of our 30-odd states. Or to ministries in New Delhi where even bigger deals are made.
The story will be repeated on a progressively larger scale.
Let us travel to any of the RTO offices.

I dare you to have a vehicle registered or transferred, or just pay your tax without going through a tout or paying someone.

Why, most of us have driving licences. I ask each one of you to keep your hand on your heart and ask whether you got it by honestly appearing for a test or gave a small fee to someone to get it for you.I also want you remember the last time you were booked for jumping a traffic signal or wrongly parking your car.
Did you quietly pay your fine or tried to settle the matter with the cop for a lower amount?

Please get me a birth certificate from your local municipal office in a straightforward manner. I could say the same about courts but for the risk of being hauled up for contempt.
I shall still suggest that you spend a day in the court complex of any district and check out the exemplary honesty and integrity with which everybody from peons to lawyers to judges work there.

Let us then go to a PWD or an irrigation department office of your choice and try to find a road or a dam built with complete honesty. I could go on.
But you get the drift??
Somebody has thrown a CAG report on my face. Poor CAG has been writing such reports by the dozens about every department of every government at every level.

I am yet to discover their utility other than providing particularly untalented reporters a means to live another day.
The toilet paper in my bathroom finds better use than those reports.
It is the same with CVC.

And, ah, the media… How can I forget my friends there?
Please ask them about the increasingly blurred line between advertising and commercials so that readers do not know what is paid for and what is not.
What editorial integrity do we see when interviews and features on movies appear sweetly timed with their release?

We had the scandal of paid political news during elections.
I am yet to see an editor or an owner hauled over the coals for that or being asked to demit office.

No, my compatriots, it is not corruption in CWG that bothers you. If that were the case, you would have lynched every district collector and every RTO in the country by now.

You have long made peace with corruption.
You have become part of it when you could.
It is brazenness and scale of my corruption that concerns you. That is the novelty element. If my team had kept itself limited to taking 10 or 20 per cent cut, you would be looking the other way.
The media would find it boring to report that.
What shocks you is that I paid Rs 9 lakh for hiring a treadmill that could be had for Rs 45,000.

If I had done the deal at Rs 50,000 you would be OK with it.
You do not mind people crossing the line. You mind them crossing it too openly.
But you forget, friends, that once you allow crossing of lines you cannot set the rules for it.
Also, I have only raised the bar here.
Citius, Altius, Fortius.
Isn't that what having games is all about?

Give me credit for at least that (though I'd prefer cash!).

(The Olympic Games Motto is Citius, Altius, Fortius - Higher, Stronger, Further).

With all sincerity (or what is left of it amongst us),

Regards,Suresh Kalmadi

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Six Classic Affairs!!

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved
for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked
it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with
a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and
a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison
work."

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Facebook : This day awaits us all...

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the ‘Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)’, the ‘Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)’ and the ‘Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)’. Then she spotted the department she was looking for: ‘Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)’.

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and i-Phones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, "I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him, "Don't worry. It'll be all right."

"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."

"How long has it been?"

"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."

"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."

"How soon were you hooked?"

"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."

"What do you like most about Facebook?"

"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."

"Who's he?"

"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."

"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."

"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."

"Let me guess. Farmville?"

"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."

"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"

"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "

"What pic are you using?"

"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."

"To make yourself look prettier?"

"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."

"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"

"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."

"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"

"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"

"What did you do?"

"What else? I unfriended him of course!"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

How To Stop Being Horny

You are a man and with that distinction comes the eventual truth that you will be horny. This is a cruel trick nature has played on you. You will forever be a slave to your thoughts and with it will come some disadvantages. There is the usual profuse sweating. The sweating is due to all the racing your mind will go through. The time will come that you will see every woman around you as a sexual object. Many feminists will persecute you for this but what they fail to understand is that we are as much victims of this as they are.

Is it possible to free yourself from this condition? The answer is yes. You can stop being horny, but it is not easy. It takes a lot of hard work and, more importantly, self control. After all, you are going against your natural instincts when you are trying to stop being horny.

This guide will show you a few simple steps to deal with your little problem. It could prove to be an embarrassing situation if you are horny in moments when you are not supposed to be. This is especially true if you get a boner in the middle of a presentation or in the middle of a street.

Look for unsexy people : Take a look around in the room. If there are girls in the room, stay away from them. Don't even glance at them. It doesn't matter what they look like; you will find them hot when you are horny. Find the ugliest man in the room. Look for a man that is so sexually repulsive--who knows, it could actually be you. Imagine this person naked and hopefully it works but if this still brings you to arousal, you might be in big trouble.

Use inanimate objects to get out of horniness : Inanimate objects do not really exude sexiness, so this is a way you can get out of this condition. Think of your trusty stapler. You can also look at pieces of furniture as your diversion from the sexiness of the people around you. Beware, though. In some instances, this method might not be enough to curb your horniness. If this is the case, you might need to resort to something more drastic.

Think about painful thoughts : Your mind is a powerful thing. It has the ability to imagine pain that is not really there. Think bad thoughts with a meat cleaver and cutting certain appendages that are not your arms or legs. You can also think about other pain-inducing practices to specific parts of your anatomy. It is hard to think and focus when your mind is in this state, so you might need to go physical on your problem.

Apply pain : Pain and arousal are on the opposite ends of the emotional wheel but they often tend to complement each other. Applying pain can dull the feeling of horniness. Pinch your arm or leg discretely to induce pain and break off of the spell brought about by arousal. If you are sitting down, try stomping on your toes with your opposite heel. Avoid making ugly faces when you are applying pain to your body because that would just look weird.

Relax and release : When all else fails, you might be at the point of no return. If that is the case, leave the room as inconspicuously as possible. Don't ask to be excused because it will only draw more attention to you than necessary, after all, you are no longer in kindergarten. Once you are out, proceed to the bathroom for some personal time with yourself. This relieves the pressure and you should no longer be horny for about an hour or two.

Once you have completed these steps, you should eliminate your horniness. You are now free to move around without the threat of smut creeping into your mind. Any ill effects of horniness should also disappear as long as you don't take in any Viagra and you wash your hands.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Washer Man, Donkey & a Dog...

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog., One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake., The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson., The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly., Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.

Moral of the story "One must not engage in duties other than his own"


**************************************************************************************************************************



Now take a new look at the same story…, The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute., He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night., He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it., Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet., The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed a " meets requirement" Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around., The donkey was rated as "star performer". The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation…


If you have worked in a corporate environment, I am sure you have guessed the characters of the new story.

and yeah, moral of the story is still the same :)

Friday, August 27, 2010

HORSES' ASSES Through History

The more things change, the more they remain the same!!!

HERE IS AN EXAMPLE...

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/ procedure/ process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything.. . and CURRENT Horses Asses in Washington are controlling everything else!

LONG LIVE Bureaucracy!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident..

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory..'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..




Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!



THIS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I'm Not Getting Sex!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... :P :D

Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Man and A Woman at an ATM...!!

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part can actually be True!

Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way..
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles..
27. Release Parking Brake.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Human Insanity at it's Best!!












The Beauty of English Language Undone!! Once Again!!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ..We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English could be running the danger of being called verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN
PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS GERMS!!!

AND last but not least.... Why does the person having pimple is not called PIMP??

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Geography of a Woman & Man...

*GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN*

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa :
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe :
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain :
Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece :
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain :
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel :
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada :
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet :
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


*GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN*
Between 1 and 90, a man is like India:
Ruled by nuts.

Don't take a man shopping....

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend long shopping. This letter was recently sent by a leading super market's Head Office to a customer in Oxford...

Dear Mrs. Murray,While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury has requested permission to prevent you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband desists from certain behaviors in our premises. Our store manager has agreed to wait till you have an opportunity to reply and explain the behavior of your husband in our store. Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras. Our footage does not show you in the company of your spouse so we have concluded that you are completely unaware of what your husband does while you are shopping elsewhere in the store. Below is a list of incidents captured by our cameras and they clearly show your husband :-

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here".

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wrath of Rajanikanth

You want to know who is Rajanikanth....here are the facts

Rajanikanth makes onions cry

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... .... he turns the dark off.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajanikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say "no one's perfect", Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hillarious Conversation between Boy and a Girl :-)

Note: The Conversation in the brackets {}contain the words which the guy is speaking to himself!!!

She gives a missed call to him. and He calls her back.

She: Hello!
He: {are yaar...Raat ke 10 bajte nahin ki iski 2-2 second waali missed calls shuru.pata nahi aaj kya bore karegi} Hi .. kya baat hai..?

She: kuch nahi...bas aise hi phone kiya...
He: {Aise hee ??? Yeh kya Radio Station hai ki aise hee...!! Aur Call kahan kiya ?... khali missed call to diya hai, roz ki tarah...}oh...ok ..kya kar rahi thi ??

She: abhi abhi dinner khatam kiya...tum kya kar rahe the?

He: {mai to lunch karke utha hoon na} Mera bhi abhi abhi dinner khatam hua ab...."Ladki Kyon Najaane Kyon" sun raha hu FM par....

She: nice song. (And then she hums a line from the son"Hum Tum")

He: {Yaaaaaaaaarrrrr .kyun bola gaane ka naam .. Ab ye Madonna saare raag gaa degi yaheen} Hey!!!! Tum itni achchi gaati ho? mujhe pata hi nah tha ..

She: *giggles*

He: {Ohhhho kya hansti hai .. aisa lag raha hai koi gaadi start kar raha hai} Hey ek aur baar gaao na pls!

She: Yehan sab so rahe hai... Agar main gaaongi to sab uth jaaenge.

He: {Ekdum Correct...woh yehi samjhenge ki koi paagal kisi baat par naraaz ho gayi hai ...}Come on! Please!

She: Hattt ...I don't sing that well

He: {Yeh to saari duniya ko pata hai... paka kyun rahi hai} It was really sweet. Please gaao na dear .

She: Mujhe kuch ajeeb sa lagta hai jaan .

He: {mujhe tujhse jyada ajeeb lagta hai, dekh phir bhi shaheed hone ko tayaar baitha hoon}Aisa kuch bhi nahi hai jaanu...gaao na {mere ko doosra raasta nahi hai....is liye bola}Abhi tum gaaogi ya nahi ?

She: kyun pareshaan kar rahe ho?

He: Acchha ! Ok Nahi karta

She: I don't have that great a voice ... ye to aise hee gaa diya tha ...warna mai nahin gaati.

He: {Fir aise hee ??? bada ehsaan karti agar nahin gaati. kaan mai se khoon nikalne waala hai... saala gadha bhi sharma jaaye teri awaaz sunke} Hmmmmmmm

She: Theek hai... jab itni zid kar rahe ho... sirf ek stanza gaaungi theek hai??

He: {Abbe teri !!! fas gayaaaaa ... ****tttt . aur kya kya jhelna padega malum nahi.} Great!!!!

She: kaunsa gaana gaau ?

He: {Tum kuch bhi gaao... meri to aaj by default neend hai.} Hmmmm. 'Mahiya' from Awarapan?

She: Nice song. But mujhe lyrics yaad nahi hai

He: {Thank God ... Text book chhodke tujhe aur kya pata hai bol ...} Dhoom Machale?

She: Nahi main wohi gaana gaaungi

He: {Aye tere nakhre ... mai to jaise mara jaa raha hoon teri awaaz sun ne ke liye Shakira . koi bhi gaana gaa....mere kaan to pakne waale hai} Cool !!!!

(She clears her throat, hums a line and then)

She: Nahi jaan. I am feeling very shy

He: {Tu shuru kyun hoti hai . ek bar shuru hokar khatam kyun nahin karti jaldi jaldi... ab kya Eden Gardens book karun, tab gayegi} Gaao na...pls gaao na....teri awaaz ki samundar me main doob jaana chahta hoon

She: dekho...ab tum mujhe naaraaz kar rahe ho .

He: {Achchha ab tujhe manaane mai poore sheher ko phool leke bhejun kya} No no... Tum shy feel kar rahi ho na... is liye...Trying to make u comfortable .

She: Hmmm.

He: {Ye makkhi ki tarah kya shuru ho gayi}Please gaao na darling...

She: Main kal gaaun?

He: {Haaaaaannnn...jaaan bachi... nikal leta hoon...abhi mauka hai} Theek hai jaisi tumhaari merzi

She: Hmmm

He: Good night

She: Good night... Sweet Dreams. Take care...

He: Sweets dreams to u too {kaahe ke sweet dreams ..sone degi tab na ayenge dreams .abhi 2 minute mein fir call karegi}

After a while She calls Him (sorry...that never happens, she gives only a missed call)

She: Hey. so gaye the kya?

He: {Nahiii... bijli ka aavishkaar kar raha tha...} Nahi jaan

She: kya kar rahe ho?

He: {Raat ko kya gili danda khelna hai...} Match dekh raha tha.

She: Theek hai tum match dekho

He: {phone rakhegi to dekhunga na... ya tu running commentary sunayegi} Hey it's ok... purana match hai

She: Did u feel bad I didn't sing?

(Since it is a tricky question, He thinks for a while}

He: {Bad eh? Crazy girl... this was the luckiest day in my life, since you didn't sing} Bad toh main nahi keh raha jaanu. But I want you to be comfortable first.... tumhi ne bola ki main kal gaaungi.....So, me waiting.
{maine to socha tha ki aaj bach gaya... dhatttt tereki :-(}

She sings 1 stanza from the song
'Jiski aankhon me meri hi nami.....'

He: Wow. Too good!

She: jhoot....mujhe maloom hai ki meri awaaz itni achchi nahi hai


He: {Saamne aa jaa, fir bataata hoon... pagal kar diya...chalo shukr hai self realization hai ... :-)} Nahi darling you really sing well

She: nahi..mujhe maloom hai tum bas aise hi keh rahe ho

He: {Very good.. aakhir tumne pata laga hi liya.....kyun bhagwaan kyun !! mere saath ye julm kyun} Cheee! Cheee! teri voice agar itni buri hoti to main kya ab tak na sun raha hota

She: Hmmmm...theek hai.. good night.. ab tum bhi so jaao.

He: {Achcha mil gayi permission ... waise tera gaana sunne ke baad neend kahanaayegi ab ...} Good night!

She: Take care

He: You too

She: Hey....

He: {Arrre yaar.. aaj ye nahi chhodegi}kya hai sweety?

She: sach bataao honey..meri voice achchi hai ya nahi...

He: {Tu apni voice record karke sun kyon nahi leti ek baar!! dimaag ka dahi kar rakha hai .. lassi banaake peeja mere dimaag ki} sachchi... Of course.

She: sirf jhoot

He: {Iski toh... !! jab pata hai to mujhse kya singing sensation ka award legi !! phata dhol.} Not at all. You sing very well.

She: Hmmm.... tum keh rahe ho to theek hi hoga. Good night.

He: Good Night..! {It's better to switched off my cell after this call}

=)) =))

Monday, May 31, 2010

Inglis bolta he.. haay!!

In a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In a Leipzig elevator:
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens :
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the chambermaid."

In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."

Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

A sign posted in Germany 's Black forest :
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand :
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

In a Bangkok temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR , you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo :
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"- English well talking."
"- Here speeching American."

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Odd Sex Facts....


Want to know a few secrets?
1. Eskimos do not actually rub noses, despite you see it on the tube; they dont.

2. In Manilla, the prostitutes would have tattooed sex acts upon their bodies. Thus spoke to the English sailors by pointing to the tattoo on this bodies to tell them what they wanted to do, or wanted.

3. A Tibetian Monk invented the French tickler.

4. A woman with a PHD are more interested in a one night stand than a woman who just has a bachelors degree.

5. By the end of the U.S. Civil War, a quarter of the Union Army were infected with a VD; there was no cure back then for it in the 19th Century.

6. Lovemaking usually only lasts about 15 minutes. It takes a man on average to ejactulate in 8 minutes, but a woman 13 minutes.

7. Timmie Jean Lindsey of Houston, TX became the first person to get silicone breast implants in 1962.

8. The average bra is supposed to be made to last for only 180 days of use.

9. It was proven that 66% of pet owners allowed their pets to be in the bedroom duringlovemaking.

10. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

11. The inner nose is the only other part of the body to swell during intercourse. So it’s not just your genitals and breats ladies and gentlmen!

12. According to studies, people tend to lose thier virginity more in June than any other month of the whole year!

13. In 1892, Italy raised the minimum age for marriage for girls – to 12.

14. Fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes, are found among 30 other ingrediants in semen.

15. The first “official” vasectomy was performed in 1893.

16. For sperm to swim 7 inches, it takes an hour.

17. In earlier times, virginity on one’s wedding night was of the greatest importance. To prove that the bride was a virgin, it was customary that the couple would display the bloodstained bedsheet for all to see once the wedding was consummated.

18. In Cali, Colombia, a woman’s mother must be present in the room for her first intercourse.

19. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

20. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the Egyptians in 2000 B.C. It was replaced with elephant droppings when they realized it wouldn’t work.

21. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is against the law for any man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the saem time.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ineresting and very topical...

Everyone knows that we Indians invented the zero. Without zero and the decimal number system, writing and calculating really large numbers would be very difficult. This would be awful for people in the financial industry, whose work depends on having really big salaries. Fortunately Brahmagupta came to their rescue. Another thing which is crucial to the financial services industry is the concept of being too big to fail, which has been put to good use by Citigroup, Bear Stearns, and Goldman Sachs over the past few years in sucking money from American taxpayers.

This beautiful concept was also invented by an Indian - Vishnu Sharma, the author of the Panchatantra, in the story of the Weaver and the Chariot Maker. The story of the weaver and chariot maker is one of the Panchatantra stories that usually doesn't make it to primary school textbooks or Amar Chitra Katha, mostly because it's full of sex, war, and moral hazard. Since you probably haven't read it, here's a quick summary.

A weaver sees a princess during a festival and falls in love with her. As a weaver, he has no chance of marrying her, so he sinks into depression. His friend, a chariot maker decides to help him out. He designs a flying chariot in the shape of Garuda, dresses the weaver up as Vishnu, and tells him to fly the chariot into the princess's room, tell her that he is Vishnu and wants to marry her Gandharva style. That is, the wedding is kept a secret from everyone except the princess and the faux-Vishnu. The princess agrees, and the weaver comes back every night to consummate the marriage.

Eventually, the maids notice that the princess is spending her days in total bliss, suspect that she's in love, and tell the King. The King asks her what's going on, and she tells him that she's married to Vishnu himself. The King is absolutely delighted, and decides that there's no point in paying tribute to the Chakravarti now that Vishnu himself is on the kingdom's side. The next night, he catches the weaver as he enters the princess's room and asks him to fight the Chakravarti's army.

The weaver is horrified. Pretending to be Vishnu was fine when it allowed him to make sweet, sweet love to the princess, but taking on the role of Vishnu to face an imperial army single-handed is another thing altogether. On the other hand, if he confesses to the King that he is not actually Vishnu and has been boinking the princess under false pretences for the past month, he will have his head chopped off. So he decides to get on to the battlefield and do the best job he can, while the King is whipping up enthusiasm in the population by telling them that Vishnu himself is going to do all the fighting.

By this time, Garuda (the real one, not the mechanical one) has tipped off Vishnu about what's going on, and warned him that if the fake Vishnu doesn't win the battle, the people of the kingdom will lose all faith in him. Vishnu doesn't want to see this happen, so on the battlefield he enters the weaver's body and annihilates the Chakravarti's army. The entire army. Every single soldier. After this, the weaver marries the princess, everyone goes on worshipping Vishnu, and the king becomes the new Chakravarti.

The moral is that you should conduct your affairs in such a way that if you fail, it will lead to someone or something even bigger or more powerful failing too. This lets you get away with anything. The weaver got away with having sex with the princess on false pretences (this is rape under Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code), pretending to be a god (awesomely enough, this too is a criminal offence under Section 508), and annihilating an entire army that was fighting a just war - after all, it was the king who broke the treaty (you could make a case for this being genocide under Article 2 of the UN Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide).

American banks and financial institutions were very good at absorbing this lesson, and leveraged themselves up to such an extent that if they failed they would take the global economy down with them. And just as the weaver lived happily ever after with the princess, banks have lived happily ever after with taxpayer-funded bailouts. But no matter how hard American investment banks try, Indians still remain the masters of this art. If the whole truth surrounding Lalit Modi is revealed, big politicians might be trapped. Modi is, thus, likely to get away lightly -- as is A Raja, who might have given away spectrum at bargain basement rates, but whose sacking would lead to the government collapsing. All this goes to show that no matter what the anguished elderly gentlemen who write letters to the editor feel, Indians are still in touch with our ancient and glorious culture.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives.......



Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but certainly not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


Ultimate Test :

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Advice to girls on marrying a cricketeer!

Come all ye fair young maidens,
And hearken unto me -
Never trust a cricketer,
Who ever he may be !

Randier than a sailor,
Who's been six months at sea -
Never let a cricketer's hand,
An inch above your knee !

First, let's take the paceman,
Pure speed, from first to last -
Darlings do be careful,
His balls are hard and fast !

Then there's the medium pacer,
His balls swing either way -
He's really the most persistent,
And can keep it up, all day !

And watch for the off-spinner,
Another awkward chap -
If you leave him half an opening,
He will slip one, through the gap !

Then there's the wily ' slowy ',
Pure cunning, is his strength -
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you,
With his very subtle length !

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be -
And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease,
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at your crease !

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes,
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes -
And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two,
When he arrives at your crease, then only a six will do !

Then there's the real stonewaller, he knows what he's about,
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out -
We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long a he gets a knock !

So darlings, do be careful and be well warned by me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be -
And watch the wicketkeeper, he's full of flair and dash,
And if you raise your leg, he'll whip it off in a flash !

If you take the field with the captain, you'd better know the score,
Or he'll have you in positions, that you never knew before -
The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it, stroke by stroke !

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup,
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up -
So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me,
Never trust a cricketeer, who ever he may be !

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

IPL 2015 for all you cricket lovers

Napoleon Nayudu prepared to face another ball, several thoughts raced through his mind. After being bought by the Gummidipoondi Gumboils for an astronomical $5 million in the 2015 Indian Premier League (IPL) auction, he knew he had a reputation to keep up. Should he try a straightforward Toyota Front Foot Drive this time, or should he aim for a Bombay Dyeing Cover Drive ? Or perhaps an ITC Square Cut (Statutory warning:Smoking is Injurious to Health) would be a better idea?

He realised he needed to hit an IBM boundary soon. Ever since IBM had announced they would pay Rs 1 lakh per boundary and Rs 5 lakh for a six, he had been trying to run less and hit more. Unfortunately, he hadn't been doing either in this match, because the Begusarai Bandits had some very good bowlers. The next ball, he played a Pepsi Inside Edge onto his Maggi middle stump and trudged wearily off the field to the accompaniment of boos from the Vodafone Zoozoo stand at the Kellogg's Special K-Cereal stadium in Gummidipoondi.

Relaxing in the Parle Glucose commentary box, Saurav Ganguly ruminated on the momentous changes in the game that had occurred since the IPL came into being. In 2010, he remembered, the game started to really grow, with huge sums of money being paid for the Pune and Kochi teams. Teams soon started springing up like frogs in the monsoon. And when the Gorakhpur Gorillas won the IPL in 2012, every district town in the country wanted its own side.

The IPL season was extended to six months in the year, then to 12 months and soon, once the villages started having their own sides, you had matches on all 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. Industrialists sold off their old companies and bought IPL teams. Twenty five of the 30 Sensex stocks were of cricketing companies. Advertisers
fought with each other to sponsor matches, stadiums, sixes, fours, shots, balls, wickets and what not. Every patch of the players' clothing, his arm guard, helmet, and pads was covered in advertisements. Tendulkar Itch Guard Crotch Guards started a new trend in merchandising, Guard Crotch Guards started a new trend in merchandising, selling like hot cakes.

As the money flowed in, players' salaries zoomed. Everybody wanted to be a cricketer. Engineering and medical colleges were deserted and Indian Institutes of Management converted themselves into institutes of cricketing management. C.K. Prahalad's Chela ( The Guru being no more ) lectured on the pot of gold at the bottom of the leg stump.

Meanwhile, Finance Minister Lalit Modi mooted a radical proposal in the Lok Sabha for nationalising the Board of Control for Cricket in India , pointing out that its profits would wipe out the government's fiscal deficit. Food production had suffered, he said, as villagers refused to till their fields and spent their time playing cricket instead. A law prohibiting the transformation of arable land into cricket pitches was swiftly passed. A resolution to install a statue of Lalit Modi in Parliament was also adopted unanimously.

Back in the commentary box, Ganguly did a rapid mental calculation and told his listeners that Napoleon was now being paid the equivalent of Rs 10 lakh per run. A twinge of regret passed through him - during the IPL season in 2010, he recalled, he had been paid only about Rs 1.8 lakh per run. He needed to make more money, he thought. Maybe he would join Navjot Sidhu in The Great Indian Laughter Challenge and be paid lakhs for laughing. For the rest of the match, he practised laughing hysterically at each ball.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Al Qaeda bombers go on strike over the issue of virgins!!

Al Qaeda suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real
work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Another reason for the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle; now that the Al Qaeda members know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Phewww.. BOOM :P

Thursday, April 22, 2010

You think you understand woman?

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside. :P

Okey... Now you understand a woman little better :)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Are you having telemarketers problems?

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.
Vodafone: Hello, this is Vodafone, sir.

ME: Is this Vodafone?
Vodafone: Yes, this is VODAFONE …

ME: This is VODAFONE.
VODAFONE: Yes, this is VODAFONE …

ME: Is this VODAFONE.?
VODAFONE: Yes! This is VODAFONE, may I speak to Mr. Bhatt, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?
VODAFONE: This is VODAFONE.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?
VODAFONE: Is this Mr. Bhatt?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
VODAFONE: Yes, this is VODAFONE …

ME: This is VODAFONE?
VODAFONE: Yes, this is VODAFONE …

ME: The phone company?
VODAFONE: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was VODAFONE.
VODAFONE: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.
VODAFONE: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Bhatt. We would like to offer you 10 paise a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that’s 10 paise a minute, 24 hours a day?
VODAFONE: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week.?
VODAFONE: That’s right.
ME: 365 days a year.?
VODAFONE: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
VODAFONE: We think so!

ME: That’s quite a sum of money!
VODAFONE: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full Rs. 52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

VODAFONE: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 paise a minute.

VODAFONE: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to Rs. 144 per day, Rs. 1008 per week and Rs. 52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

VODAFONE: Oh, no, sir. I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 paise a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 paise a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 paise a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

VODAFONE: No, sir, we are offering 10 paise a minute for…………..
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
VODAFONE: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
VODAFONE: Yes, Mr. Bhatt. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Bhatt?
ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 paise a minute scheme.
ME: Is This Vodafone?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to
get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

VODAFONE: Hello, Mr. Bhatt, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
ME: No, but I was wondering – do you have that “Friends and Family” thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

VODAFONE: click…….. :P