Friday, June 18, 2010

Human Insanity at it's Best!!

The Beauty of English Language Undone!! Once Again!!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ..We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English could be running the danger of being called verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?


AND last but not least.... Why does the person having pimple is not called PIMP??

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Geography of a Woman & Man...


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa :
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe :
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain :
Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece :
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain :
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel :
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada :
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet :
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

Between 1 and 90, a man is like India:
Ruled by nuts.

Don't take a man shopping....

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend long shopping. This letter was recently sent by a leading super market's Head Office to a customer in Oxford...

Dear Mrs. Murray,While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury has requested permission to prevent you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband desists from certain behaviors in our premises. Our store manager has agreed to wait till you have an opportunity to reply and explain the behavior of your husband in our store. Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras. Our footage does not show you in the company of your spouse so we have concluded that you are completely unaware of what your husband does while you are shopping elsewhere in the store. Below is a list of incidents captured by our cameras and they clearly show your husband :-

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here".

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wrath of Rajanikanth

You want to know who is are the facts

Rajanikanth makes onions cry

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... .... he turns the dark off.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajanikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say "no one's perfect", Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hillarious Conversation between Boy and a Girl :-)

Note: The Conversation in the brackets {}contain the words which the guy is speaking to himself!!!

She gives a missed call to him. and He calls her back.

She: Hello!
He: {are yaar...Raat ke 10 bajte nahin ki iski 2-2 second waali missed calls shuru.pata nahi aaj kya bore karegi} Hi .. kya baat hai..?

She: kuch nahi...bas aise hi phone kiya...
He: {Aise hee ??? Yeh kya Radio Station hai ki aise hee...!! Aur Call kahan kiya ?... khali missed call to diya hai, roz ki tarah...}oh...ok ..kya kar rahi thi ??

She: abhi abhi dinner khatam kiya...tum kya kar rahe the?

He: {mai to lunch karke utha hoon na} Mera bhi abhi abhi dinner khatam hua ab...."Ladki Kyon Najaane Kyon" sun raha hu FM par....

She: nice song. (And then she hums a line from the son"Hum Tum")

He: {Yaaaaaaaaarrrrr .kyun bola gaane ka naam .. Ab ye Madonna saare raag gaa degi yaheen} Hey!!!! Tum itni achchi gaati ho? mujhe pata hi nah tha ..

She: *giggles*

He: {Ohhhho kya hansti hai .. aisa lag raha hai koi gaadi start kar raha hai} Hey ek aur baar gaao na pls!

She: Yehan sab so rahe hai... Agar main gaaongi to sab uth jaaenge.

He: {Ekdum Correct...woh yehi samjhenge ki koi paagal kisi baat par naraaz ho gayi hai ...}Come on! Please!

She: Hattt ...I don't sing that well

He: {Yeh to saari duniya ko pata hai... paka kyun rahi hai} It was really sweet. Please gaao na dear .

She: Mujhe kuch ajeeb sa lagta hai jaan .

He: {mujhe tujhse jyada ajeeb lagta hai, dekh phir bhi shaheed hone ko tayaar baitha hoon}Aisa kuch bhi nahi hai jaanu...gaao na {mere ko doosra raasta nahi liye bola}Abhi tum gaaogi ya nahi ?

She: kyun pareshaan kar rahe ho?

He: Acchha ! Ok Nahi karta

She: I don't have that great a voice ... ye to aise hee gaa diya tha ...warna mai nahin gaati.

He: {Fir aise hee ??? bada ehsaan karti agar nahin gaati. kaan mai se khoon nikalne waala hai... saala gadha bhi sharma jaaye teri awaaz sunke} Hmmmmmmm

She: Theek hai... jab itni zid kar rahe ho... sirf ek stanza gaaungi theek hai??

He: {Abbe teri !!! fas gayaaaaa ... ****tttt . aur kya kya jhelna padega malum nahi.} Great!!!!

She: kaunsa gaana gaau ?

He: {Tum kuch bhi gaao... meri to aaj by default neend hai.} Hmmmm. 'Mahiya' from Awarapan?

She: Nice song. But mujhe lyrics yaad nahi hai

He: {Thank God ... Text book chhodke tujhe aur kya pata hai bol ...} Dhoom Machale?

She: Nahi main wohi gaana gaaungi

He: {Aye tere nakhre ... mai to jaise mara jaa raha hoon teri awaaz sun ne ke liye Shakira . koi bhi gaana gaa....mere kaan to pakne waale hai} Cool !!!!

(She clears her throat, hums a line and then)

She: Nahi jaan. I am feeling very shy

He: {Tu shuru kyun hoti hai . ek bar shuru hokar khatam kyun nahin karti jaldi jaldi... ab kya Eden Gardens book karun, tab gayegi} Gaao na...pls gaao na....teri awaaz ki samundar me main doob jaana chahta hoon

She: dekho...ab tum mujhe naaraaz kar rahe ho .

He: {Achchha ab tujhe manaane mai poore sheher ko phool leke bhejun kya} No no... Tum shy feel kar rahi ho na... is liye...Trying to make u comfortable .

She: Hmmm.

He: {Ye makkhi ki tarah kya shuru ho gayi}Please gaao na darling...

She: Main kal gaaun?

He: {Haaaaaannnn...jaaan bachi... nikal leta hoon...abhi mauka hai} Theek hai jaisi tumhaari merzi

She: Hmmm

He: Good night

She: Good night... Sweet Dreams. Take care...

He: Sweets dreams to u too {kaahe ke sweet dreams ..sone degi tab na ayenge dreams .abhi 2 minute mein fir call karegi}

After a while She calls Him (sorry...that never happens, she gives only a missed call)

She: Hey. so gaye the kya?

He: {Nahiii... bijli ka aavishkaar kar raha tha...} Nahi jaan

She: kya kar rahe ho?

He: {Raat ko kya gili danda khelna hai...} Match dekh raha tha.

She: Theek hai tum match dekho

He: {phone rakhegi to dekhunga na... ya tu running commentary sunayegi} Hey it's ok... purana match hai

She: Did u feel bad I didn't sing?

(Since it is a tricky question, He thinks for a while}

He: {Bad eh? Crazy girl... this was the luckiest day in my life, since you didn't sing} Bad toh main nahi keh raha jaanu. But I want you to be comfortable first.... tumhi ne bola ki main kal gaaungi.....So, me waiting.
{maine to socha tha ki aaj bach gaya... dhatttt tereki :-(}

She sings 1 stanza from the song
'Jiski aankhon me meri hi nami.....'

He: Wow. Too good!

She: jhoot....mujhe maloom hai ki meri awaaz itni achchi nahi hai

He: {Saamne aa jaa, fir bataata hoon... pagal kar diya...chalo shukr hai self realization hai ... :-)} Nahi darling you really sing well

She: nahi..mujhe maloom hai tum bas aise hi keh rahe ho

He: {Very good.. aakhir tumne pata laga hi liya.....kyun bhagwaan kyun !! mere saath ye julm kyun} Cheee! Cheee! teri voice agar itni buri hoti to main kya ab tak na sun raha hota

She: Hmmmm...theek hai.. good night.. ab tum bhi so jaao.

He: {Achcha mil gayi permission ... waise tera gaana sunne ke baad neend kahanaayegi ab ...} Good night!

She: Take care

He: You too

She: Hey....

He: {Arrre yaar.. aaj ye nahi chhodegi}kya hai sweety?

She: sach bataao honey..meri voice achchi hai ya nahi...

He: {Tu apni voice record karke sun kyon nahi leti ek baar!! dimaag ka dahi kar rakha hai .. lassi banaake peeja mere dimaag ki} sachchi... Of course.

She: sirf jhoot

He: {Iski toh... !! jab pata hai to mujhse kya singing sensation ka award legi !! phata dhol.} Not at all. You sing very well.

She: Hmmm.... tum keh rahe ho to theek hi hoga. Good night.

He: Good Night..! {It's better to switched off my cell after this call}

=)) =))