Monday, May 31, 2010

Inglis bolta he.. haay!!

In a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In a Leipzig elevator:
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens :
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the chambermaid."

In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."

Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

A sign posted in Germany 's Black forest :
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand :
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

In a Bangkok temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR , you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo :
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"- English well talking."
"- Here speeching American."

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Odd Sex Facts....

Want to know a few secrets?
1. Eskimos do not actually rub noses, despite you see it on the tube; they dont.

2. In Manilla, the prostitutes would have tattooed sex acts upon their bodies. Thus spoke to the English sailors by pointing to the tattoo on this bodies to tell them what they wanted to do, or wanted.

3. A Tibetian Monk invented the French tickler.

4. A woman with a PHD are more interested in a one night stand than a woman who just has a bachelors degree.

5. By the end of the U.S. Civil War, a quarter of the Union Army were infected with a VD; there was no cure back then for it in the 19th Century.

6. Lovemaking usually only lasts about 15 minutes. It takes a man on average to ejactulate in 8 minutes, but a woman 13 minutes.

7. Timmie Jean Lindsey of Houston, TX became the first person to get silicone breast implants in 1962.

8. The average bra is supposed to be made to last for only 180 days of use.

9. It was proven that 66% of pet owners allowed their pets to be in the bedroom duringlovemaking.

10. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

11. The inner nose is the only other part of the body to swell during intercourse. So it’s not just your genitals and breats ladies and gentlmen!

12. According to studies, people tend to lose thier virginity more in June than any other month of the whole year!

13. In 1892, Italy raised the minimum age for marriage for girls – to 12.

14. Fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes, are found among 30 other ingrediants in semen.

15. The first “official” vasectomy was performed in 1893.

16. For sperm to swim 7 inches, it takes an hour.

17. In earlier times, virginity on one’s wedding night was of the greatest importance. To prove that the bride was a virgin, it was customary that the couple would display the bloodstained bedsheet for all to see once the wedding was consummated.

18. In Cali, Colombia, a woman’s mother must be present in the room for her first intercourse.

19. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

20. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the Egyptians in 2000 B.C. It was replaced with elephant droppings when they realized it wouldn’t work.

21. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is against the law for any man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the saem time.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ineresting and very topical...

Everyone knows that we Indians invented the zero. Without zero and the decimal number system, writing and calculating really large numbers would be very difficult. This would be awful for people in the financial industry, whose work depends on having really big salaries. Fortunately Brahmagupta came to their rescue. Another thing which is crucial to the financial services industry is the concept of being too big to fail, which has been put to good use by Citigroup, Bear Stearns, and Goldman Sachs over the past few years in sucking money from American taxpayers.

This beautiful concept was also invented by an Indian - Vishnu Sharma, the author of the Panchatantra, in the story of the Weaver and the Chariot Maker. The story of the weaver and chariot maker is one of the Panchatantra stories that usually doesn't make it to primary school textbooks or Amar Chitra Katha, mostly because it's full of sex, war, and moral hazard. Since you probably haven't read it, here's a quick summary.

A weaver sees a princess during a festival and falls in love with her. As a weaver, he has no chance of marrying her, so he sinks into depression. His friend, a chariot maker decides to help him out. He designs a flying chariot in the shape of Garuda, dresses the weaver up as Vishnu, and tells him to fly the chariot into the princess's room, tell her that he is Vishnu and wants to marry her Gandharva style. That is, the wedding is kept a secret from everyone except the princess and the faux-Vishnu. The princess agrees, and the weaver comes back every night to consummate the marriage.

Eventually, the maids notice that the princess is spending her days in total bliss, suspect that she's in love, and tell the King. The King asks her what's going on, and she tells him that she's married to Vishnu himself. The King is absolutely delighted, and decides that there's no point in paying tribute to the Chakravarti now that Vishnu himself is on the kingdom's side. The next night, he catches the weaver as he enters the princess's room and asks him to fight the Chakravarti's army.

The weaver is horrified. Pretending to be Vishnu was fine when it allowed him to make sweet, sweet love to the princess, but taking on the role of Vishnu to face an imperial army single-handed is another thing altogether. On the other hand, if he confesses to the King that he is not actually Vishnu and has been boinking the princess under false pretences for the past month, he will have his head chopped off. So he decides to get on to the battlefield and do the best job he can, while the King is whipping up enthusiasm in the population by telling them that Vishnu himself is going to do all the fighting.

By this time, Garuda (the real one, not the mechanical one) has tipped off Vishnu about what's going on, and warned him that if the fake Vishnu doesn't win the battle, the people of the kingdom will lose all faith in him. Vishnu doesn't want to see this happen, so on the battlefield he enters the weaver's body and annihilates the Chakravarti's army. The entire army. Every single soldier. After this, the weaver marries the princess, everyone goes on worshipping Vishnu, and the king becomes the new Chakravarti.

The moral is that you should conduct your affairs in such a way that if you fail, it will lead to someone or something even bigger or more powerful failing too. This lets you get away with anything. The weaver got away with having sex with the princess on false pretences (this is rape under Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code), pretending to be a god (awesomely enough, this too is a criminal offence under Section 508), and annihilating an entire army that was fighting a just war - after all, it was the king who broke the treaty (you could make a case for this being genocide under Article 2 of the UN Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide).

American banks and financial institutions were very good at absorbing this lesson, and leveraged themselves up to such an extent that if they failed they would take the global economy down with them. And just as the weaver lived happily ever after with the princess, banks have lived happily ever after with taxpayer-funded bailouts. But no matter how hard American investment banks try, Indians still remain the masters of this art. If the whole truth surrounding Lalit Modi is revealed, big politicians might be trapped. Modi is, thus, likely to get away lightly -- as is A Raja, who might have given away spectrum at bargain basement rates, but whose sacking would lead to the government collapsing. All this goes to show that no matter what the anguished elderly gentlemen who write letters to the editor feel, Indians are still in touch with our ancient and glorious culture.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives.......

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate Test :

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Advice to girls on marrying a cricketeer!

Come all ye fair young maidens,
And hearken unto me -
Never trust a cricketer,
Who ever he may be !

Randier than a sailor,
Who's been six months at sea -
Never let a cricketer's hand,
An inch above your knee !

First, let's take the paceman,
Pure speed, from first to last -
Darlings do be careful,
His balls are hard and fast !

Then there's the medium pacer,
His balls swing either way -
He's really the most persistent,
And can keep it up, all day !

And watch for the off-spinner,
Another awkward chap -
If you leave him half an opening,
He will slip one, through the gap !

Then there's the wily ' slowy ',
Pure cunning, is his strength -
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you,
With his very subtle length !

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be -
And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease,
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at your crease !

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes,
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes -
And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two,
When he arrives at your crease, then only a six will do !

Then there's the real stonewaller, he knows what he's about,
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out -
We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long a he gets a knock !

So darlings, do be careful and be well warned by me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be -
And watch the wicketkeeper, he's full of flair and dash,
And if you raise your leg, he'll whip it off in a flash !

If you take the field with the captain, you'd better know the score,
Or he'll have you in positions, that you never knew before -
The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it, stroke by stroke !

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup,
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up -
So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me,
Never trust a cricketeer, who ever he may be !

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

IPL 2015 for all you cricket lovers

Napoleon Nayudu prepared to face another ball, several thoughts raced through his mind. After being bought by the Gummidipoondi Gumboils for an astronomical $5 million in the 2015 Indian Premier League (IPL) auction, he knew he had a reputation to keep up. Should he try a straightforward Toyota Front Foot Drive this time, or should he aim for a Bombay Dyeing Cover Drive ? Or perhaps an ITC Square Cut (Statutory warning:Smoking is Injurious to Health) would be a better idea?

He realised he needed to hit an IBM boundary soon. Ever since IBM had announced they would pay Rs 1 lakh per boundary and Rs 5 lakh for a six, he had been trying to run less and hit more. Unfortunately, he hadn't been doing either in this match, because the Begusarai Bandits had some very good bowlers. The next ball, he played a Pepsi Inside Edge onto his Maggi middle stump and trudged wearily off the field to the accompaniment of boos from the Vodafone Zoozoo stand at the Kellogg's Special K-Cereal stadium in Gummidipoondi.

Relaxing in the Parle Glucose commentary box, Saurav Ganguly ruminated on the momentous changes in the game that had occurred since the IPL came into being. In 2010, he remembered, the game started to really grow, with huge sums of money being paid for the Pune and Kochi teams. Teams soon started springing up like frogs in the monsoon. And when the Gorakhpur Gorillas won the IPL in 2012, every district town in the country wanted its own side.

The IPL season was extended to six months in the year, then to 12 months and soon, once the villages started having their own sides, you had matches on all 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. Industrialists sold off their old companies and bought IPL teams. Twenty five of the 30 Sensex stocks were of cricketing companies. Advertisers
fought with each other to sponsor matches, stadiums, sixes, fours, shots, balls, wickets and what not. Every patch of the players' clothing, his arm guard, helmet, and pads was covered in advertisements. Tendulkar Itch Guard Crotch Guards started a new trend in merchandising, Guard Crotch Guards started a new trend in merchandising, selling like hot cakes.

As the money flowed in, players' salaries zoomed. Everybody wanted to be a cricketer. Engineering and medical colleges were deserted and Indian Institutes of Management converted themselves into institutes of cricketing management. C.K. Prahalad's Chela ( The Guru being no more ) lectured on the pot of gold at the bottom of the leg stump.

Meanwhile, Finance Minister Lalit Modi mooted a radical proposal in the Lok Sabha for nationalising the Board of Control for Cricket in India , pointing out that its profits would wipe out the government's fiscal deficit. Food production had suffered, he said, as villagers refused to till their fields and spent their time playing cricket instead. A law prohibiting the transformation of arable land into cricket pitches was swiftly passed. A resolution to install a statue of Lalit Modi in Parliament was also adopted unanimously.

Back in the commentary box, Ganguly did a rapid mental calculation and told his listeners that Napoleon was now being paid the equivalent of Rs 10 lakh per run. A twinge of regret passed through him - during the IPL season in 2010, he recalled, he had been paid only about Rs 1.8 lakh per run. He needed to make more money, he thought. Maybe he would join Navjot Sidhu in The Great Indian Laughter Challenge and be paid lakhs for laughing. For the rest of the match, he practised laughing hysterically at each ball.