For Guys: Scratching Your Testicles Can Increase Your Lifespan..

Scratching Your Testicles Can Increase Your Lifespan

Karachi, Pakistan:

A recent paper released by Aga Khan University Hospital confirms that Pakistani men can increase their lifespan by at least five years by constantly scratching their testicles. The paper, titled “The Correlation Between Scratching Your Testicles and Your Lifespan” examined 350 men over a period of 10 years. Dr. Burhan Aneeq, the lead author of the research report, told Maila Times that “we should be promoting such activities on national television, as the results have been extremely satisfying.”

Scratching testicles in public, as the paper notes, is fairly common in South Asia. Historians and anthropologists are at odds as to how such activity became a national past time for many. Dr. Ahmer, a leading historian at the Kennedy School of Government, attributes the Mughal emperors for introducing testicle scratching to the sub-continent. However, Inzamam-ul-Haq, the former Pakistan cricket

captain, thinks that credit needs to go to the cricketers. “Pakistani men have grown up watching their heroes scratching their testicles with cricket balls on TV and then bowl yorkers. It’s naïve to think that the Mughals have anything to do with it.”

Dr. Aneeq and his team interviewed hundreds of men during the course of the study. “Our hypothesis was that men scratched themselves primarily due to hygienic issues or humid weather, but were surprised by the reasons found in the study.” The study finds that 60% of men scratch their testicles because it makes them feel ‘proud and macho,’ while another 30% of testicle scratchers scratch their testicles merely out of habit. The finding also concluded that improved comfort

which results from obsessive scratching improves overall quality of life, and thus increasing the average lifespan of a scratcher by at least five years.

A 28 year old man interviewed in the study says that it is normal for him and his friends to scratch themselves outside of girl’s colleges. “Yaar two girls smiled at me and gave me that look as I was adjusting my shalwar the other day,” claimed the participant. Other participants of the study claimed that it was simply the quality of the underwear.

“If you wear those used underwear that you get from Bori Bazaar, then it’s impossible not to scratch,” explained the participant. “Sometimes I use Mospel or Mortein before I am going out for a poondi session, as that controls itching felt in the area,” claimed a young student who

wished not to be named.

Other medical researchers and cultural anthropologists were quick to dismiss the new findings, claiming that the paper was biased. “This report is an attempt by Dr. Aneeq to not feel guilty about always scratching his testicles in public,” claimed Dr. Ghazi Rizvi. “It is an absolute abhorrent habit by Pakistani men, and now after the release of this report they will continue to scratch their testicles

in public without any shame.”

With the release of the study, Dr. Aneeq predicts that men will continue to scratch their testicles and adjust their pants openly in public. He expects that this will become a fashion statement and that

we should get used to watching famous personalities, such as Dr. Shahid Masood, Ansar Abbasi and other members of the media men doing it constantly on live television. Wasi Zafar, a former Law Minister, contacted Maila Times for this report and claimed credit for promoting scratching testicles in public. “My great grandparents knew the benefit of such activities and I carried on the tradition on national television. I was castigated at that time, but now this report justifies my actions.”

Fatimah Mansoor, a student at LUMS, told Maila Times that she is happy that more men will scratch their testicles in public. “I just think that it’s classy,” said Ms. Mansoor. “It shows that a man has character, and isn’t afraid to show the world who he is.”

So guys...go ahead and scratch away. Our neighbours do it...so why should we be left out.

Tip: When at home...wear a lungi.