Types of Tweetraties..

The Beatles had a gift. They could craft music that became timeless. Creative. Brilliant. They were unmatched.

Van Gogh had a gift. He could compose art so abstract. Mysterious. Profound. He was unmatched.

I have a gift. I can write blog posts so repulsive. Off-putting. Asinine.

Try matching this.

I’ve been on Twitter since February, 2007 and have carefully digested the personalities of tweeters. Processed them. And now.

Now it’s time to rip on them.

If you’re on Twitter, you might be one of the following.

1. The Woman Who Thanks Her Tweeps Every Thirty Seconds.

For some reason, this lady feels a strange affinity for her followers. So instead of tweeting anything valuable, she’ll just thank them for still following her.

Hey good morning tweeps! I’m so lucky to have great tweeps following me!

Thanks for keeping me busy tweople! I’m going to get some shut-eye.

You guys are so twiendly! *giggle* Thanks tweeps!

In her mind, she thinks her followers enjoy this. But in reality, every time she tweets, a tiny piece of them dies.

2. The Chick Who Still Thinks She’s On Facebook / Orkut.

There is a growing faction of girls on Twitter who try to recreate the MySpace environment. They do this by flirting and fighting, only resting to comment on the new Lady Gaga album. You can find them by their profile images which are quite provocative.

Or twitter search “OMG You Guys”.

It’s like a net.

3. The People Who Live For Ranking Some Random Website That Was Just Created Two Weeks Ago.

Have you heard of ReTweetRankIndexGrade?

These people have.

Each day, they scour the Internet to find some new website that grades them as a tweeter and then battle other nerds to be listed in the Top 10. They do this by furiously shrinking URLs, scheduling tweets in some script, and then pumping out Mashable and TechCrunch links.

If they could, they’d put their Twitter grade on their resume.

See. You read that line above and smiled.

They read that line above and said one day.

One day.

4. The People Who Feel They Can Solve Complex Political Problems In 140 Characters Or Less.

Each day these people will shower your stream with links to political blogs. If you disagree with them, they’ll @reply you with thousands of reasons why you’re wrong until you lay defeated and weak and just want to look at LolCats images and cry all over yourself.

Even though democracy was built on dialogue, debate and process, these individuals have found a way to fit the solution into 140 characters.

And they’re never wrong. One such person on Twitter I know is Barkha Dutt :P

5. The Twitter Account That's Supposed To Tweet About One Thing But Then Randomly Tells Us Something Creepy About Their Own Personal Life.

A couple months ago, I started following an account that was supposed to be about silver bullion.

I’m not sure why I followed it. I think it’s because I like saying the word ‘bullion’ in my mind.

Try it.

Bullion.

See? Tell me that’s not fun.

Basically, the account just tweeted about silver prices across the world.

Except one day, I saw this array of tweets:

Price of silver on the metal markets seem to be on the rise.

Has silver bottomed out? http://bit.ly/fU8IE

Metal markets down, silver showing signs of a Monday bounce.

I guess that’s what you get when you trust women who are liars. I hate my life.

Reading: Silver nearing less than 2% of the price of gold.

6. The Guys You Know Were Nerds All Their Lives Until Social Media Came Along.

Let’s start with a confession.

I’ve been a nerd all my life. A big one.

Then social media came along. And now?

Still a nerd.

Not these guys. These are the guys that you see with thousands and thousands of followers reading every nerdy link they tweet. They jetset across the world to attend tweetups and podcamps. Twitter chicks offer them their super hot bodies while I sit in my wife-beater with weird soya sauce stains and watch Golden Girls reruns at home.

Thanks a lot.

Although I won’t lie, Rose is starting to look hot.

7. The Woman Who Thinks Her Twitter Friends Are Real.

There’s nothing more fun than watching someone who thinks her Twitter followers are actually her friends. She’ll #FollowFriday people and describe them like this:

She’s the most caring person I’ve ever met. She’s always been there for me.

Then, because I’m hilariously unemployed, I investigate and discover they know each other only through Twitter.

Always been there for you?

Lady. It’s twitter. These are anonymous Internet people.

If you have a major personal problem what are you going to do?

DM her for advice?

What’s she going to do?

Send you a bit.ly link?

Ha!

Bit.ly link.

8. The People Who Think They’re The Forefathers Of Twitter Because They’ve Been Scripting Followers 2 Years Before You Got Here.

There’s this pack of individuals on Twitter that have 90 zillion followers and follow everyone of them back.

You know exactly who I’m talking about.

They get annoying when they advise their following on how they should tweet.

Really dude? You’ve used programs to get all of your followers over the last two years. I have to sit here and actually have a personality.

You know how exhausting having a personality is?

That was actually a question. I don’t really know.

9. The People Who Are So Worried They’ll Lose Followers They Apologize After Every Tweet.

Hey guys, here’s an article from “Tremendous News” it’s a little racy and snarky, but made me laugh a bit! http://bit.ly/ds28J

Guys just be warned that last article has strong language.

Guys I’m sorry if anyone was offended! I think I lost a few people because of that!

Then they immediately figure out who unfollowed them and annoy them until they refollow them back.

10. The Spambot You Wish Were Real.


This girl followed me 89 times. I consider that intercourse. :D

11. The Chick Who Stll Hasn't Figured Out Twitter Even Though She Has 1072 Updates.

OMG you guys! What’s a “hashtag”?

Really? Because it’s not gene splicing, sweetheart.

12. The Chick Who, If You Piss Off, 700 of Her Yenta Followers Will Twill You Off Until You Cry.

Trust me. I learned the hard way. :P

13. The People Who Think The Two Nerds Who Created Twitter are Twit-Jesus.

Have you ever been on Twitter when @ev or @biz post an update? There are some people who drop everything to witness their words.

Then they’ll return to tweet their experience.

Yeah hi. They’re two dudes, people. What do they have that I don’t have?

Besides money

Success.

Looks.

An apartment that isn’t their parents basement.

But besides that?

Exactly.

———-

There you have it. 13 Twitter personalities. You can probably add some of your own.

Explaining sexuality using pens...

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The difference between Google in USA, India and Pakistan

Google USA
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Google India

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Google Pakistan

Grandfather of an Apple Tablet in 1989

Ok ok ok.. enough of fun now.. Be serious and lets me share some knowledge now :P

Fast Company has a great post today from Tom Dair, co-founder of Smart Design, on the occasion Apple called for his company to produce concepts for a futuristic tablet computer. But this was no iPad.

As Dair puts it, when he and his colleagues responded to an Apple call for design proposals, top-of-the-line Macs (the SE/30!) were boxy and beige. The Macintosh "Portable" weighed 16 pounds and cost $6,000. And the Web? Still but a glimmer in the eyes of those dialed into the era's primitive Telnet and BBS services, their 1200 baud modems screeching.

Needless to say, sleek portables of aluminum and glass with touchscreen displays were beyond even the most fanciful pie-in-the-sky visions. But Dair and co.'s Smart Design prototypes are interestingly prescient.

Smart Design's Other Apple Tablet Concept: This one more rugged, with a circular grip that doubles as a stand.

They both envision touchscreens as the primary interaction point. The more rugged prototype even includes a guitar app where strings are plucked on screen--something we'd see reproduced faithfully in the iPhone App Store many times over.

That said, even when reaching big, it was still 1989: Smart Design's two concepts are both exceptionally bulky by today's standards. And one thing we can all be thankful for is the death of the stylus--I'd be on my 7th or 8th $20 replacement stylus by now, or significantly fatter from eating all those Korean sausages.

In the end, Smart didn't hear back from Cupertino. And four years later, out popped the Newton, which was hampered by a number of infamous problems, but in hindsight, serves as a pretty viable stepping stone from 16 pounds of Mac Portable to the iPhone and iPad today.

Difference between Poor & Rich explained simply...

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A picture is worth a thousand words.. :)

How is a Paradigm formed?

This example illustrates one of the most hackeneyed phrases used and abused by MBAs over the past 20 years. Having said that, this is true of every organisations.

India's Top 10 Assholes

#10

Name: Raghu Ram

Full Name: Raghu Ramalingam

Occupation: Executive Producer, Mtv India

Asshole Since: 1976

A – Score: 6.9/10

Bio : With a surname as intimidating as ‘Ramalingam’ ,Raghu realized pretty early in life that if he wanted to be an asshole he had to shorten it to Ram. Yeah! That’s how tough he is.

Given to constant bouts of hysteria, manic depression and bi-polar syndrome with a severe case of schizophrenia .This mental patient should have been fastened to his bed in a mental asylum since he was diagnosed with a severe ‘penis fixation’ while still a boy.

Instead Mtv decided to do the next best possible thing:

Put Him On TV.

Since then there’s been no looking back for this mentally unstable lunatic with a dick infatuation. Seen regularly on the Mtv showRoadies, he immerses himself completely into being an asshole constantly throwing temper tantrums, hissy fits, blaring his lungs screaming at young, vulnerable and hormonally imbalanced teenagers.

Though he would never actually stand a chance in hell against someone like Rakesh Jhunjhunwala who’d simply chew him up and spit him out, turn him into garbage, shoveling the compost of his dead carcass which would then be used as crop fertilizer as he’d play the Tabla on the big, shiny, round reflective bald head of Raghu Ram.

This young asshole has a long way to go before he becomes a bigger, larger and more widespread asshole but we applaud him for his efforts and entertainment. Well done Raghu and keep going, you’re the 10^th most popular asshole in India!

What an asshole!!

#9

Name: Narayan Dutt Tiwari

Asshole Since: 1925

Occupation: Former Governor of Andhra Pradesh

A-Score: 7.5/10

Bio: This veteran, vintage asshole makes Tiger Woods seem like a Tiger cub. Largely forgotten, Tiwari stormed his way into the headlines when he was shown fornicating with well endowed busty females as he simultaneously balanced state issues with wet tissues!

Telengana on one hand and Aradhana +Sunaina on the other.

Andhra by day and Viagra by night.

Governor in the daytime, Governess(es) by the night time.

Listening to Madamji on this side and hitting a G Spot on that side is all in a day’s work for this flesh and blood symbol of manliness .Soon to endorse Musli Power Extra and Durex Condoms we wish this old timer the best of luck.

What an asshole!!

#8

Name : Madhu Koda

Asshole Since: 1971

Occupation: Politician, Former Chief Minister of Jharkhand

A-Score: 8 /10

Bio: Described already as India’s most energetic, young, vibrant and dynamic money launderer, Madhu Koda is also an expert asshole. Yet to run out of shit, if you’ve got 4000 Crores and don’t know what to do with them, then undoubtedly Madhu Koda is the man to get in touch with.

Never known to be held down by the Enforcement Directorate, The Vigilance Commission, The Income Tax Department , The Police ,The CBI, Interpol or even the Supreme Court; Koda’s Hawala Network is so hard to comprehend that Dan Brown’s next book about Hawala is in honor of Madhu titled The Da-Vinci Koda.

So forget about using money to build roads, hospitals, schools and getting people jobs. Maybe even sponsoring food programs for the poor. Instead why not allow Madhu Koda to launder it for you in a discreet location like a bank in Geneva never to be found again!!

We salute you!! Mr. Koda, What an Asshole!!

#7

Name: Rajat Sharma

Asshole Since: Present Punar Janam

Occupation: News Breaker, Host of Janata Ki Adalat

A-Score: 8.25/10

Bio : The face of credibility and the scion of modern day Indian journalism. Rajat Sharma is a stalwart. Credited with the invention of BREAKING NEWS.Rajat Sharma’s BREAKING NEWS has done to journalism what the USB Drive has done to computers.

The Americans may brag about FOX News, clearly they haven’t seen India TV.

Whether it’s Chudails, Pralays or Kuttas and Billis, Rajat Sharma is undoubtedly the man to break it to you in news form every single day.

Astrological predictions and sex stories aside nobody covers Rapes, Balaatkaars and Khatarnaak murders better than Rajat Sharma and his team of fearless journalists.

The man who has interviewed Rakhi Sawant on Janata Ki Adalat more times than anyone else on the planet was the personal choice of the 26/11 Mumbai terrorists who called up India TV preferring them over CNN IBN , NDTV ,DD News and Times Now speaks volumes for India TV and Rajat Sharma’s incredible power to influence the masses.

So here’s to the man who created a news channel simply out of Punar Janaams and Paapi Log.

All the way from programs about reincarnation to creating a nation of idiots.

What an asshole!!

#6

Name: Professor Arindam Chaudhuri Asshole Since: 1971 Occupation: Teacher, Economist, Film Producer, Man of Many Talents.

A-Score: 8.47/10

Bio: Known fondly to his dear students as ‘Arindam Sir’ this brilliant intellectual can Count Chickens Even Before They Hatch!! Not everyone can count chickens but if you know anyone who can count chickens, chances are they don’t count chickens as well as Professor Arindam Chaudhuri.

Holder of India’s most famous ponytail, this bespectacled gentleman is India’s most well known economic expert on many things including chickens and counting.

Director of the blockbuster film ‘Rok Sako Toh Rok Lo’ , Professor Chaudhuri is known widely as the man who dares young wannabe management graduates to think beyond the IIM’s and even gives them free laptops when they join the IIPM!!

Perhaps India’s greatest exponent of the theory that if you can count chickens, give free laptops and organize quiz contests which have Shah Rukh Khan sing and dance then you can be known worldwide as an expert economist like Dr. Amartya Sen.

Hail To The Power Of The Ponytail And Counting Chickens!

What an Asshole!!

#5

Name: Sherlyn Chopra

Asshole Since: 1984

Occupation : Actress, Singer ,Model ,Aspiring Nudist

A-Score: 8.53 /10

Bio: Sherlyn Chopra is one outrageous gal! The only female asshole to make it to our list, what men can do women can also do, she is Rehman Malik’s evidence that women can be assholes too!!

Sherlyn is the modern day Indian woman, fearless, brash and open. In fact she wears her openness openly by displaying her body openly for men and women to openly look at. Sherlyn has been India’s leading exhibitionist for well over half a decade now.

So open is she,that if it weren’t for stricter laws Sherlyn’s openness would be entirely out in the open!

Aspiring anorexics everywhere consider Sherlyn to be their Goddess. A trendsetter for fellow skanks Mallika Sherawat andKareena Kapoor, Sherlyn is also a walking storehouse of silicon.

Such is her dedication to being an asshole that despite suffering severe back problems due to her silicon implanted breasts heaving constantly; she still adds that little bit of silicon in the plastic surgeon's office every week despite the pain.

She even went a step further to get additional silicon implants in her butt, popularly known as ‘butt implants’ these silicon pads under the ass make Sherlyn’s bum go bump! bump!

Cheers to This Bootylicious Babe, Lusty, Busty and Zesty!

What an asshole!!

#4

Name: Bal, Uddhav and Raj –The Thackerays

Assholes Since: 1926 ,1960 & 1968 respectively.

A-Score: 9/10

Bio: What can we say about the Thackerays that hasn’t already been said? Well, we could say the three of them are expert roller skaters and have each gotten the max score playing Call Of Duty 4 on their Sony Playstations but that would be untrue! The three of them are avid bikers and are members of the country’s most famous bikers club known as the MUM-BIKERS. When it’s not bikes, its cars for these three traversing Mumbai city in their Mumbai-Cars.

But it isn’t about cars and bikes for these three; it’s about buses and trains. Buses are what they like damaging the most. Between themselves the three Thackerays have damaged more buses than Godzilla on a rampage!

Sachin Tendulkar, Shah Rukh Khan, Amitabh Bachchan, Mukesh Ambani, almost everyone who’s anyone has faced the ire of the Thackerays.

For Turning The Cause Of The Marathi Manoos Into Marathi Manure, The Thackerays Are Number 4 On Our List Of Assholes.

What a Bunch Of Assholes!!

#3

Name: Shambhu Pratap Singh Rathore

Asshole Since: 1941

Occupation : Child Molester ,Retired Police Officer

A-Score: 9.25/10

Bio: If he was George Bush then Muntazar Al Zaidi would throw his shoes at him, but he’s not!!

Bigger than George Bush, That’s how big an asshole Rathore is, constantly in the pursuit of Justice, Rathore was recently stabbed in the face with a pen knife, a much bigger salute to his abilities than just having shoes thrown at him.

Known for his exceptional molestation and harassment of Ruchika Girhotra thisnew age poster boy of candlelight marches and signature campaigns was so good at molesting Ruchika that she not only got thrown out of school and saw her family punished but ultimately paid homage to Rathore by committing suicide!!

With the perfect partner in his lawyer wife, Rathore could teach fellow asshole Madhu Koda a thing or two about getting bail and staying out of jail.

Always overcoming adversity with a smile, this media darling has also been approached by Colgate to feature in their toothpaste ads to highlight that fantastic smile born out of the satisfaction of having molested 15 year olds!!

We definitely look forward to seeing more of Rathore and his smiley face in future!

What an asshole!!

#2

Name: Sajjan Kumar and Pravin Togadia

Assholes Since: 1944 & 1957 respectively

Occupation: Politician and Religious Reformist Respectively

A-Score: 9.7 /10

Bio : Two men from different walks of life .Two men belonging to different schools of thought. Two men from different political groups with different views yet bound by a single thread .Two different men but both assholes.

Yet no two assholes are exactly alike, still the similarities are staggering.

Sajjan Kumar is completely CBI Proof even if the CBI has enough proof against him; this iconic asshole has made it his life mission to avoid arrest in the 1984 Sikh Riots Case.

He simply never gets Sikh of killing Sikhs!

If after 26 years there is no proof against this man then how can there be proof of Pakistan’s involvement in 26/11 Mumbai?! No wonder Pakistan keeps asking for more and more proof! Because when it comes to Sajjan Kumar no proof is necessary and no proof is ever enough.

While one is a Sajjan, Togadia is a Cancer Surgeon. A Firebrand, Outspoken and a critically acclaimed asshole. Like Sajjan he too is proof that without enough proof no matter how much proof is actually available, nothing can be proved against you if you’re name is Pravin Togadia.

Babri Masjid, Defending Godhra, Communal Clashes, it’s all in a day’s work for Togadia. Always smart enough to escape the media’s eye which is busy trying to interpret or misinterpret the cattle class interlocutions of Shashi Tharoor. Togadia is the cool dude known to his fellow Mosque Demolishers as the HIN-DUDE!

A Tribute Then To the Sikh Sajjan and the Hin-Dude!

What a Couple of Assholes!!

AND NOW FOR THE WINNER OF THE INDIA TODAY ‘S BEST INDIAN ASSHOLES, HERE HE COMES, THE NUMBER ONE ASSHOLE IN INDIA!!! DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!

Name: Koteshwar Rao aka Kishenji

Asshole Since: 1957

Occupation: Leader of the Naxal Movement

A-Score: 9.9 /10!

Bio: When you score a near perfect 9.9/10 then it’s guaranteed that you are the greatest and the best asshole of the current era! Maybe the greatest asshole of all time!!!

Imagine an asshole so big that its very name unites the country. You don’t have to anymore!! He’s here and his name is Koteshwar Rao respectfully known as Kishenji.

A nomad wandering in the jungles of Jharkhand, West Bengal and Chhattisgarh, Kishenji is an extremely reclusive man by nature.

His colleagues describe him as an enigma and a mystery. Forever media shy, Kishenji never makes a public appearance; even if he does then he makes sure that his face is covered. A clear cut case of an asshole covering his hole!

Kishenji’s actions speak louder than words. In the past 12 months he and his men have beheaded policemen, attacked police camps, set entire villages on fire, pillaged trains and generally killed a number of people.

In fact Kishenji is such a humungous asshole that the very Prime Minister of India complimented him when he said Kishenji and his people were the biggest internal security threat to India!!!!

With a wide network of friends ranging from communists to Mamata Banerjee and her Trinamool Congressman Kishenji is also an avid Social Network Addict.

Often seen tweeting on Twitter under various aliases and poking people on Facebook, He is most often heard talking on his many cell phones endorsing every possible SIM card of every possible Indian telecom company!!

Such Is the Coverage Area of Kishenji, India’s Greatest Asshole!!

What an Asshole!