The Beatles had a gift. They could craft music that became timeless. Creative. Brilliant. They were unmatched.
Van Gogh had a gift. He could compose art so abstract. Mysterious. Profound. He was unmatched.
I have a gift. I can write blog posts so repulsive. Off-putting. Asinine.
Try matching this.
I’ve been on Twitter since February, 2007 and have carefully digested the personalities of tweeters. Processed them. And now.
Now it’s time to rip on them.
If you’re on Twitter, you might be one of the following.
1. The Woman Who Thanks Her Tweeps Every Thirty Seconds.
For some reason, this lady feels a strange affinity for her followers. So instead of tweeting anything valuable, she’ll just thank them for still following her.
Hey good morning tweeps! I’m so lucky to have great tweeps following me!
Thanks for keeping me busy tweople! I’m going to get some shut-eye.
You guys are so twiendly! *giggle* Thanks tweeps!
In her mind, she thinks her followers enjoy this. But in reality, every time she tweets, a tiny piece of them dies.
2. The Chick Who Still Thinks She’s On Facebook / Orkut.
There is a growing faction of girls on Twitter who try to recreate the MySpace environment. They do this by flirting and fighting, only resting to comment on the new Lady Gaga album. You can find them by their profile images which are quite provocative.
Or twitter search “OMG You Guys”.
It’s like a net.
3. The People Who Live For Ranking Some Random Website That Was Just Created Two Weeks Ago.
Have you heard of ReTweetRankIndexGrade?
These people have.
Each day, they scour the Internet to find some new website that grades them as a tweeter and then battle other nerds to be listed in the Top 10. They do this by furiously shrinking URLs, scheduling tweets in some script, and then pumping out Mashable and TechCrunch links.
If they could, they’d put their Twitter grade on their resume.
See. You read that line above and smiled.
They read that line above and said one day.
4. The People Who Feel They Can Solve Complex Political Problems In 140 Characters Or Less.
Each day these people will shower your stream with links to political blogs. If you disagree with them, they’ll @reply you with thousands of reasons why you’re wrong until you lay defeated and weak and just want to look at LolCats images and cry all over yourself.
Even though democracy was built on dialogue, debate and process, these individuals have found a way to fit the solution into 140 characters.
And they’re never wrong. One such person on Twitter I know is Barkha Dutt :P
5. The Twitter Account That's Supposed To Tweet About One Thing But Then Randomly Tells Us Something Creepy About Their Own Personal Life. A couple months ago, I started following an account that was supposed to be about silver bullion.
I’m not sure why I followed it. I think it’s because I like saying the word ‘bullion’ in my mind.
See? Tell me that’s not fun.
Basically, the account just tweeted about silver prices across the world.
Except one day, I saw this array of tweets:
Price of silver on the metal markets seem to be on the rise.
Has silver bottomed out? http://bit.ly/fU8IE
Metal markets down, silver showing signs of a Monday bounce.
I guess that’s what you get when you trust women who are liars. I hate my life.
Reading: Silver nearing less than 2% of the price of gold.
6. The Guys You Know Were Nerds All Their Lives Until Social Media Came Along.
Let’s start with a confession.
I’ve been a nerd all my life. A big one.
Then social media came along. And now?
Still a nerd.
Not these guys. These are the guys that you see with thousands and thousands of followers reading every nerdy link they tweet. They jetset across the world to attend tweetups and podcamps. Twitter chicks offer them their super hot bodies while I sit in my wife-beater with weird soya sauce stains and watch Golden Girls reruns at home.
Thanks a lot.
Although I won’t lie, Rose is starting to look hot.
7. The Woman Who Thinks Her Twitter Friends Are Real.
There’s nothing more fun than watching someone who thinks her Twitter followers are actually her friends. She’ll #FollowFriday people and describe them like this:
She’s the most caring person I’ve ever met. She’s always been there for me.
Then, because I’m hilariously unemployed, I investigate and discover they know each other only through Twitter.
Always been there for you?
Lady. It’s twitter. These are anonymous Internet people.
If you have a major personal problem what are you going to do?
DM her for advice?
What’s she going to do?
Send you a bit.ly link?
8. The People Who Think They’re The Forefathers Of Twitter Because They’ve Been Scripting Followers 2 Years Before You Got Here.
There’s this pack of individuals on Twitter that have 90 zillion followers and follow everyone of them back.
You know exactly who I’m talking about.
They get annoying when they advise their following on how they should tweet.
Really dude? You’ve used programs to get all of your followers over the last two years. I have to sit here and actually have a personality.
You know how exhausting having a personality is?
That was actually a question. I don’t really know.
9. The People Who Are So Worried They’ll Lose Followers They Apologize After Every Tweet.
Hey guys, here’s an article from “Tremendous News” it’s a little racy and snarky, but made me laugh a bit! http://bit.ly/ds28J
Guys just be warned that last article has strong language.
Guys I’m sorry if anyone was offended! I think I lost a few people because of that!
Then they immediately figure out who unfollowed them and annoy them until they refollow them back.
10. The Spambot You Wish Were Real.
This girl followed me 89 times. I consider that intercourse. :D
11. The Chick Who Stll Hasn't Figured Out Twitter Even Though She Has 1072 Updates.
OMG you guys! What’s a “hashtag”?
Really? Because it’s not gene splicing, sweetheart.
12. The Chick Who, If You Piss Off, 700 of Her Yenta Followers Will Twill You Off Until You Cry.
Trust me. I learned the hard way. :P
13. The People Who Think The Two Nerds Who Created Twitter are Twit-Jesus.
Have you ever been on Twitter when @ev or @biz post an update? There are some people who drop everything to witness their words.
Then they’ll return to tweet their experience.
Yeah hi. They’re two dudes, people. What do they have that I don’t have?
An apartment that isn’t their parents basement.
But besides that?